Final Update

Hi all! We are home now and *crossing our fingers* infection free. We will be taking it easy over the weekend then life goes back to normal.

I will be leaving the blog up for a short time while I transfer it to a book to be printed. Even though our little squirts are not with us, the book will be a keepsake for us.

Thanks again for all of your support!

Thursday Update

I am still at the hospital and hoping to come home tomorrow. They wanted to do another round of antibiotics to make sure I was all healed. Right now, I am scheduled to return to work on 11/18 - I was shocked at how long it was!

I have to laugh at Mark's taking over command of my little blog - what would take me 3 pages to write takes him 1 sentence! I would have to say that Tuesday was the worst day of my entire life - physically and emotionally. Between the two babies and the infection, I basically had labor 3 times and drugs only dulled it once. I had 3 OR procedures with 3 anethestics. But, I am feeling better now and I am ready to go home. I thoroughly believe that anesthesia causes hair loss so if you see me in a wig, you will know why and I hope you have the good graces to ignore it :)

Just a bit about our little ones! Jacob was born at 10:45 and he was very similar to Little M. He definitely was a little baby - 10 toes, 10 fingers, arms, legs, etc but he still looked a little alien like. I was drugged up but I swear he looked like he had a little beer belly :) The only other thing I remember is that he had my nose. The hospital did an excellent job of taking photos - lots of clear photos of him, his little feet, him holding a little heart pillow.

While it was unfortunate that I was not drugged up for Xander, it was a blessing in the sense that I remember him more clearly. He was so darn cute! I could definitely see both Mark and me in him. He had my nose (apparently, my nose is predominant in our kids - all 3 had it) and in the pictures, it sure did look like he had Mark's mouth. He was really the first one that I held for an extended period of time and examined because he was the first one that was truly like a baby. While he didn't look like a Gerber baby, he also didn't look like an alien! He had long legs and arms, large hands and feet, I could move his chin and open his mouth. I triple checked for a butt chin but I firmly believe that those are not truly indented until later in the process! He was also the first one that the clothing fit on - he had a hat and robe and they had a little knit blanket for him. Our little Xander was alive when he was born and I actually got to hold him while he was moving. He was baptised and he stayed with Mark for a long time when I was in the OR. While we don't know how long - it is all a blur for Mark, I feel blessed in knowing that he died with his daddy and not necessarily by himself.

We are unsure what we are going to do with the babies from here. We are either going to move Little M and put them all together at Westlawn or we are going to talk to St John and move all 3 there. Since our plots are already purchased there - next to Larry & mom - I would like the 5 of us to be together. We will work through that next week. We will do something private with just us two and we were thinking of calling the Father who did Bob's service to come say a prayer with us.

Thanks to all of you who have called, emailed, left comments on here, visited and sent flowers. We appreciate all of your love and support. Even though we are not good at sharing our grief with others, it helps to know that we have support available when we need it. I have a feeling that the worst is yet to come for me as I get home so I will rely on my friends and family for movies, margaritas and mozzarella cheese sticks :)

Crossing fingers to be home in the morning!

The end of the Journey

Late last night we unfortunately came to the end of this wonderful journey. I am sorry to have to be the bearer of bad news, but Stacy developed an infection last night and we lost Xander. All is well with Stacy, but we are going to ask that people hold off coming up till later tonight because they are going to give Stacy medicine to sleep.

Tuesday update

We came back to the hospital last night around 11:00, because Stacy was having cramps most of the day and started to spot last night. She slept through the night, and at 10:45 Jacob was delivered. She had to wait until 3:00 this afternoon for the surgery to put in a stitch in her cervix. She is out of surgery and we now have to wait to make sure that she does not develop an infection. Dr. Bonebrake said the next 72 hours are critical for the infections, but we have to watch it through the whole pregnancy. Everything has gone the way we needed to, but still are not out of the woods. We think that we will be here for the next 3 days, so if anyone would like to come up tomorrow or Thursday that would be fine. We are at Methodist hospital for those who did not know room 926.

Mark

Monday Update

Still at home and no labor! We go back to the doctor tomorrow at 3 so we will see what he says then - whether we will come back home until Friday or whether we need to be in the hospital.
Do have some sad news to share - we know that baby Jacob left us yesterday. He hasn't been born yet but he is no longer alive. This was not unexpected - we knew he wouldn't be able to make it outside and we didn't know how long he would make it inside. We pray that he is surrounded by the other babies we have lost and our family that is up there. I dreamt about Lexie last week so I am sure she is being a freak to him too :) Mark and I are doing OK with the news - I think we were prepared for it. However, I am sure that we will continue to experience little bursts of fits - cry, scream, get it out, wait for the next one!
Will post another update after the doctor tomorrow - unless he keeps me!

Back home...

We are back at home now. No baby/babies decided to show up. We tried to leave yesterday afternoon but we only made it as far as the elevator before things felt funny again so he had me stay overnight. No changes! We now have to go to the dr twice a week. Monday will mark 18 weeks for our pregnancy. While we know that the baby who's water broke (Jacob) won't make it no matter how long we last, we really want the other baby (Xander) to make it to 24 weeks at a minimum. At 24 weeks, the pregnancy is considered viable. However, the odds are still not good. At 26 weeks, his survival rate goes up and the doctor said that if we can stretch it to 28 weeks, the odds of survival REALLY go up. But, this is all still a long shot. Right now, we are still expecting to go into labor sometime over the next week - statistically, it happens in 10 days to 2 weeks after the water breaks. We are a week out from the water breaking. We have to pray that Xander's water doesn't break during that labor, that he doesn't decide to follow his brother out and that both of their placentas (which are fused together) decide to stay in. The doctor said that it is not unusual for the placenta to want to stay in because it isn't ready to come out yet - that happened to us with the other baby. We pray for all of those stars to line up for us!

Right now, I am on disability from work until something happens. Best case scenario is that I am only off a short time for now and then would work for several months until Xander comes. Worst case scenario is that I would be off for delivery then recovery.

Thanks to any of you who are reading for your continued prayers!

Back at the hospital

But, at least I have a laptop now! We went in for our routine visit yesterday morning and everything looked the same - one baby was still floating around and one baby still had no fluid. Both babies were ok and both had a good heartbeat. We got all of our questions answered and we headed out the door. Unfortunately, as I was walking to the car, I felt something strange. We turned around and went back to the dr. He did an exam and it appears my cervix opened up a little bit and the baby's umbilical cord was coming through. I got admitted and I think all of us thought that I would deliver within a couple of hours. However, it is 29 hours later and I am still in the hospital and both babies are still moving around and their hearts are beating. I am not sure what the long term plan is - the doctor should be coming back sometime this afternoon. I don't know if I am here for another 24 hours or through the weekend. I have no idea. We are all really praying that the baby is delivered and the other baby can stay in with a cerclage. However, a lot of stars need to align for this to happen and we are just in a wait and see mode.

Hospital Visit

Hi all,
This post isn't going out to the squirts but out to anyone else who is reading to get the latest on them. Mark and I had to go to the hospital today. Our water broke for one of the squirts. Unfortunately, this doesn't leave much good news to share with your or a lot of hope for our little squirts. We know for sure that one of our little squirts won't make it. Even if we can keep both of them cooking to where they can live on their own, the squirt who's water broke won't have healthy lungs to make it. As for what comes next, we wait. Best case scenario is that we don't deliver either baby or get an infection until the other baby is able to make it on their own. There is also a small chance that we could deliver one and keep the other squirt in their cooking. More likely, the odds are that we will end up delivering both of them in the next few weeks. We will end up going to the doctor every week until something happens.

Until then, Mark and I will be taking it easy and just waiting. Those of you who really know us will not be surprised to know that we will probably be hiding out and avoiding everyone! :) We would appreciate you keeping all of us in your prayers!
Stacy & Mark

Best laid plans....go awry

Hi squirts! Well, your mom had grand plans for this weekend but I guess you had different ideas. I was going to spend the day Saturday with your dad - we were going to run errands, have a nice dinner, see a movie. A big hot date night that we haven't had in a long time since I have been sick so much. Then, today was my Humane Society Walk for the Animals. We were going to eat pancakes, take the dogs to hang out with all of the other dogs and just plain hang out. But, I think you have decided it was time for a growth spurt or something. Your mom is in some pain this weekend and that leads to some emotional turmoil as we wonder if it is normal or if it is a sign of something bad. So, I am taking it easy and praying for the best. Maybe you can go easy on me the rest of the day so it makes your dad and I both feel better!

Your mom...the funsucker

Hi squirts. I received an email from your Aunt Cindy (Grampa Larry's sister) and she reminded me that she is a funsucker. Last fall, we had heard this term and just thought it was the funniest thing ever. She sucks the fun out of everything for her son Zachariah. We used the term for months and your dad & I just giggled. She said that now you squirts are on your way, I will become the latest generation of funsuckers. At first I giggled in memory of my discovery of the term but then I had to think about it.
I really do like to fancy myself as liberal and envisioned myself as being a somewhat hip mom. But, you know what, I have to confess that I will be a funsucker. Just prepare for it now. I hope that we have fun together and I hope we make all sorts of long lasting memories together. However, I will suck the fun out of your life if you are not turning out like I want you to. If you are ill-mannered or disrespectful, I will be a fun sucker. If you are lippy, I will be a fun sucker. If you are not making good choices that really do have an impact on your life, I will be a fun sucker.
Now, there are things that I still believe that I will be very liberal on (we can discuss those on another day as your dad and I had an interesting conversation about them last night). I will probably let you get away with a little more than other people would. But, then, your dad will swoop down and be the funsucker so you are just plain hosed from every direction!
Guess you better realize that your fun isn't going to come until you move out of the house :)

Dr Appt

Well squirts, let’s just throw it out on the table. One of you is holding out on us. We went into our doctor’s appointment with the highest expectations of learning your genders. One of you (Xander), proudly displayed your jewels at any given opportunity. The other one of you laid on top of them and basically laughed at us. Both the tech and Dr. Bonebrake tried wiggling you around to show us and you laughed at us again (let’s admit it – you were also probably flipping us off). We won’t know for another 2 weeks – if you decide to help us out then. The U/S tech guessed a 2nd boy but she couldn’t be sure.
We did get to watch you for a long time today – they were very thorough in their measurements. We saw your fingers, your toes, your brain, your kidneys, stomachs, bones and spine. You were moving around a bit today but you are starting to get so big. It looks like you are kicking each other upside the head. They said you each weigh 6 oz now. With all the weight mom has put on (13 lbs), it sure would be a nice thing to hear that you have contributed to more than ¾ of a lb. :-)
We are going to go back in 2 weeks. This was unexpected for us as we didn’t think we were going back for 4 weeks. However, there is apparently a lot of testing that is done at 18 weeks so they want us to come back. Personally, I think it was because I complained to the doc how expensive he was and he said he never knew how much his services cost. Next thing you know, we are invited back in two weeks instead of four. I am kidding on that one because he is a good doctor and a fun doctor!

I had a big realization today. I really don’t care “what” you are. I don’t care if there are two boys or two girls (that seems pretty unlikely) or one of each. I had thought I had wanted two of the same gender then I had thought I had wanted one of each. Last appointment, I was so sure it was one of each and I started fretting about decorations and two sets of clothing and all of those frivolous things. Today, it fully hit me that I don’t really care. As long as you come out healthy, I will be happy. Yeah, yeah, I know, the families are still rooting for a boy/girl but I no longer harbor any secret wishes or desires – just come out full term (35 weeks would be good – 2/9) and with all of the health you can muster.
Speaking of health, I have this topic rolling around in my mind today. I know you might wonder why I bother to type all of this to you when I can lecture you on it when you are older (and you can roll your eyes because, like your mom, you will think you already know it all at the ripe age of 10). I type it now for a couple of reasons. 1) It gives me something to do while I wait for you to hit 35 weeks and pop out. 2) It makes me feel a bit closer to you even if you aren’t reading it. 3) I truly believe that you are going to fry my brain and I won’t remember all of this when you need to hear it! 4) Finally, if raising you doesn’t fry my brain, if you act like me and your dad, I will need to drink heavily and that will fry my brain.
So, back to health. I had a sobering reminder today that I have to be careful with mine. My blood sugars are starting to rise with you. I am a diabetic in remission. This means that I am diabetic but I don’t need to do anything “special” to control it since I have lost a lot of weight. However, since you have been in the picture, I have been indulging in junk WAY TOO OFTEN and it is catching up with me. I have to get it under control NOW or you could suffer the consequences. Yep, your mom got a healthy reality check and self-imposed dose of guilt today!
I have always taken my health for granted. I knew that my family history had mounds of bad things that I could inherit but I didn’t care. At 18, I gained a bunch of weight. Lost it at 20 and started gaining it all back plus some at 22. I finally got in control of it at 32 – oh wait, and now you are here and the scale is going back up again! 10 years of obesity – I am not talking obesity like some skinny people do “Oh, I am so overweight, I need to lose 10 whole pounds.” I am talking obesity like weighing more than 135 pounds more than the infamous chart says or weighing more than 105 pounds more than I should to be “normal” on the BMI scale. I ate whatever I wanted, drank whatever I wanted and exercise was non-existent. Do you want to know what this got me? Let’s see – self-esteem issues, high cholesterol, increased risk for heart attacks and worst, diabetes. The bad thing is that I was warned about having diabetes and you know what? At 28 or so, I still thought I knew it all and decided it wasn’t that big of a deal to be diabetic. Pop some pills and life is good. Boy was I wrong – at least when it comes to you squirts. Diabetes is life threatening to you. I have to be so careful while you are hitching a ride in my tummy. There is no proof of this but that diabetes could have been a factor in our prior miscarriages. The weight itself also could have been a cause. We won’t ever know but it weighs on my heart daily that these theories could be a possibility.
So, where am I going with all of this? Well, hopefully, I am laying a big fat (haha – nice pun) guilt trip on you to watch your weight and eat well. In your genetic line, I know that you have a high risk of: Diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, cancer, and heart disease. Oh, and that is just my side of the family. On Dad’s side, we know that you carry a high risk of heart disease, cancer, diabetes and high cholesterol. While we will never know if all of these are 100% weight induced, I bet that if you can keep healthy, you will avoid some of these things or at least lower your risks.
Your dad and I have already discussed in detail how we are going to try to raise you with a good example and feed you in a healthy manner. But, let’s face it, you aren’t with us every minute of every day of your life. When you get older, you will hit fast food with your friends, you will drink some alcohol (probably before you are 21 – we can save that discussion for another day), you will probably smoke some pot (to which your dad will have a heart attack on the spot – again, a conversation for another day) and you will make some irresponsible choices. However, I hope that you will have a good foundation from us to make responsible choices the majority of the time and if that doesn’t work, we can continue to scare you with all the doom and gloom of what can happen to you if you don’t.
I suppose that when your old mom is lazy after you are born, I will have to go back and read this myself to get a reminder of the plagues that ail me too! I will have to work hard to get back to where I was when you were conceived and to my ultimate goal – which was an additional 20 lbs. to be lost.
Enough depressing stuff for today! Good news – you are healthy, still growing and kicking and we will see you in another two weeks.

16 weeks!

Squirts - I got so caught up in the family post that I forgot it is Monday and you are 16 weeks today. You are definitely moving around - I used to listen to you in one spot of my tummy and now you are much higher. You are half-way to being able to have good odds of living without me! My tummy is starting to get bigger. I think pretty soon your mom is going to look pregnant and not necessarily just look plain fat! I am hoping that I will start feeling you more consistently. That will be cool to feel you moving around - until you start hurting me by kicking me in the ribs and then you will be grounded!

Dad looked it up on the internet and we learned:
* Fat is beginning to form under your skin - Let's hope you get the Brian amount of fat and not the mom or dad amount of fat.
* You are 4.57 Inches Long
* You weigh 3.5 ounces
* Your heart is pumping 6 gallons a day
* You are learning to breathe!

Your first road trip!

Hi squirts!

Before I get into our exciting road trip details, I have to tell you that you guys are ROCKSTARS already. When I started writing this blog, it was a way to communicate with you when you were older and it was also a way to share pictures and details about you with friend and family without loading up their mailboxes. However, the family is really reading it. You know you squirts have made it to the big time when your Aunt Sheila tells me that she has to be nice to me so I don't publish anything bad about her on the blog. That rocks - I get to talk to you and share details of our pregnancy with you when you are older and evil Aunt Sheila is nicer to me. :)


This weekend, you went on your first road trip. Brandi, her friend Jeff and I piled into the car and went up to Minnesota to see your "uncle" Brian play soccer. He had been playing for the Minnesota Thunder team for about a month. Great Gramma, Uncle Jeff, Aunt Sheila, Jeremy, Kylie, and Aunt Valerie went up there earlier in the day and Cory met us later. I must confess to you squirts that your mom knows nothing about soccer. I was up there for the family time and to visit with Brian and his girlfriend Erica. We were all hyped up with posters and everything to embarass Brian. He got to play almost the whole game. But, squirts, we missed the best part. I went to pay for a jersey that I won in an auction and while I was gone, Brian scored. You probably heard your mom cussing about that for 24 hours! But, check out what a star your cousin/uncle is - I hope both of you turn out that tall and thin and muscular!



Afterwards, we all went out to dinner and back to the hotel. In the morning, we all hung out and had breakfast. Brandi had a place that she HAD to eat at the she saw on TV. It sure was a tasty burger. I think you guys liked it too because I was hungry really quickly afterwards - I think you guys sucked it all out of me because it was probably the best burger you have had so far.

I tried to show you off to Gramma and Aunt Valerie but the batteries ran out before they got to hear very much. I would venture a guess that all of those up famiy members up there are so excited for you both! You even got your first two belly rubs - Erica said "Can I touch the babies?" and Aunt Valerie said "Hi Babies, it is Auntie Val." I don't know that they were touching you in the right spot - I think they just rubbed mom's fat but I bet you could feel the love in there! Everyone is counting the days until we find out what you squirts officially are - Xander and Jacob or Xander and Maggie. Kylie even agreed to put off her marriage proposal to Jeremy for 5 years when you would be old enough to be the ring bearer and maybe the flower girl. I am so excited because Cory and Lauren postponed their wedding until April. I will be able to dress you up in silly outfits and show you off to the whole family :)

I had an enlightening moment this weekend. I asked Brandi's friend what he thought about the family so far and he said "I think you guys are all very close." He was surprised at how often Brandi interracts with her whole family and how all of us are on her speed dial in her phone. I kind of laughed at that because I thought we were pretty dysfunctional. I hadn't really given it much thought over the years, I just thought everyone was nuts! haha. But, when I really thought about it, I think you squirts are pretty lucky to be joining us. I really don't hear about a lot of people that talk about their extended family. I don't know many people who go on trips with their extended families. I was walking into the restaurant and saw my gramma, uncle, two aunts, 3 cousins and 2 friends heading in for breakfast in a city that they visited just to see one of their own play soccer. They all drove 500 miles to see this former squirt kick a ball in a net (Oh, he was a squirt even though he is huge now!) I was a bit overwhelmed because not a lot of people have that - especially when they are older. It is easier to stay close when you are young but when you get older, it is harder to stay in touch. I think we have done a pretty good job in this arena and honestly, I can't wait for these people to spoil you rotten. Even though they are your cousins, I bet you will think they are more like Aunts and Uncles. They will love you up like there is no tomorrow. My aunts and uncles will become your aunts and uncles. Uncle Jeff will thump you in the head if you are out of line. Aunt Val and Aunt Kim will spoil you rotten and teach you how to shop and decorate. Aunt Sheila will take you to the pool and take you to Adventureland. If there is a girl, Brandi will teach you about cosmetics and purses. The Cvilikas boys will teach you how to play ping pong the Cvilikas way. Maybe Jeremy will teach you how to play various sports - baseball, bowling, dodge ball, etc. Cory will teach you how to have a big heart & how to drive a semi. Kylie shark will teach you how to have spirit. Erica will teach you how to play LaCrosse and how to be loving and caring to everyone you meet. Lauren will teach you all about Country Music and how to be a trucker's wife! Each one of them will be in your lives to teach you something and you are very lucky to have them.

I have to apologize squirts as I always plan to speak eloquently and humorously to you both while trying to teach you something. However, there is too much pressure on your old mom to write a good post. The public is demanding and it is sucking my creativity out of me. haha! I will see if I can do better in the next one.

Friendship

Hi Squirts!
I have ignored you since Wednesday, huh? THursday you literally kept me up for 24 hours and I was sick. Friday, I recovered by sleeping the whole day. Yesterday and today, we (me and you squirts) were in Minnesota to see Brian play soccer. More on that trip later! I wrote this post to you on 9/13 and thought it would be a nice post for you for today. Then, later, I will tell you all about your first trip to Minnesota.

Another topic weighing on my mind, after forgiveness, is friendship. As you entered my life (or my womb if you prefer), my friends have probably all thought I dropped off the face of the earth. Being sick, I have quit going out, quit answering the phone and just plain ignored my friends. Hopefully, they will forgive me now that I am feeling better. I thought I would tell you about some of the friendships in my life and some things I hope that you will have in your life.

I have learned that we have all sorts of friendships in life. I have deep, long lasting friendships that you probably couldn't pay me enough to sever. (I say probably because, let's face it, with squirts that need clothes, food, education, cars, etc, my priorities may shift and a large sum of cash may be enticing. But, the key to a good friendship is that would forgive me. haha.) I have work friendships that seem to shift with the department I am in or job I am working in. They aren't less important but they seem to be less-long lasting. I have friendships with my family. I have friendships with people that I may not see frequently but you can always pick back up and talk like it has only been 24 hours. I have had friendships that I thought were solid but ended abruptly and left me wondering "What the heck was I supposed to learn from that?" I have casual friendships where I may talk and joke if I run into that person but not necessarily make plans. I think each of these are important and each one is here to teach you something squirts!

Let's think about family. There is a quote along the lines of "Family by chance, friends by choice." Sorry squirts but you can't pick your family. You are stuck with all of us. A long line of us. You may not like us all everyday or anyday but it is what it is, it is family. However, as you get older, I hope that you will be able to branch that family connection into friendships. I don't know that I would say my/your cousin Brandi and I were friends growing up - a 5 year age difference is kind of hard to overcome. But, both being adults, I would say she is my friend now. I still call her my cousin but she is a friend. Relationships change with age too - my aunts are my friends now. But, growing up, I was taught to respect them as they were my elders. They were authority figures - I don't mean that in the sense that they were strict with me but they were figures that provided direction and honestly, wouldn't hesitate to point out I was way out of line. However, now, they are still my elders but they are my friends. And, I have learned that good friends still point out when you are way out of line. I hope you both have family members that become your friends - whether that be aunts, uncles, cousins or whomever. Those people have known you the longest, know your history, know your quirks and guess what? They still love you. And you know what else? They don't ever go away so you might as well embrace them. What is that quote - if you can't beat them, join them? :)

I would say that of my closest 4 friends, 3 are from school. Yep, that is right squirts, your old mom has 2 friends that she has known since kindergarten (1980 if you want the exact date). You know what is great about these types of friendships? You can laugh about stuff that happened in kindergarten (my friend Debbie still lies and says I made her eat paste in Mrs. Austin's kindergarten class) or 2nd grade (my friend Candi told me the moles on her neck was because she was bitten by a vampire and that her grampa was an expert who studied rainbows) or high school (my friend Kim and I went on our senior trip skiing in Colorado. Well, Kim skiied and I tumbled down the mountain.) They can remember my wedding. They can remember sad times. They can remember my miscarriages. They can remember going to parties and having a good time. They can remember why I am holding a certain grudge and tell me "Amen sister, you are so right." They can look me in the eye and say "Hello, reality check, you are so wrong." New friends, while important, don't have that history with you. They have a shorter history. In the interest of full disclosure, there are rough patches in these friendships too. I think Debbie and I went 3 months without speaking in 1993 and had quite a few distant years in the 1995-1999 range (kind of guessing on that one). Candi and I went through a rough patch around 1994 that was totally my fault. Kim and I didn't talk for 10 years! But, when all is said and done, I wish you these exact same friendships - oldies but goodies. They will all remember how I tortured you and side with you that you had the worst mom EVER because that is what friends do - take your side! Even if they are telling you that you are crazy in private, in public, they take your side.

Then, I have a friendship that I want to emulate and I want you to have in your life but it is kind of hard to explain. It is how I hope you form your relationships with my friends - or at least pick one to form it with. That is with Gramma Debbie's best friend Debi D. (hmmm...thinking about this, we will have to figure out what to call her when you squirts are here) First and foremost, Debi D is your Gramma Debbie's bestest friend. (Kids today call it BFF (best friends forever) but kids in your day will probably call it something else. Yeah, I know squirts - that line dates me in the sense that I said "Kids today" and BFF) However, she is always a good friend to me as well. She is great about providing different perspectives on things. I always felt like I could trust her but I know now that if there were things that I was telling her that were harmful to me, she would have blown the whistle on me. She was kind of like a behind the scenes mom. I don't know how else to put it. If I could choose to be one kind of friend, I would choose to be this kind of friend to the squirts of my friends. If I could choose a friend for you, you can be a third generation Debi D friend or, I would choose that you could have that relationship with one of my friends. I will tell you something though squirts (& I don't think Debi D is here reading these so we are safe) - Debi D is not someone you want to screw with. haha. People like her can be your bestest friend but she is stubborn enough and evil enough that you would never wish her to be your enemy. Trust me on this one and don't cross Debi D squirts. It is kind of amazing that I can have many personality traits like her given that we are not genetically linked. Yes, I have traits like your Gramma Debbie and like your Grampa Keith but at a fundamental level, I am very similar to Debi D. Sometimes, she will say exactly what I would have said. Sometimes one of us will say something that other people may secretly think but never say outloud - and the other will agree!! She is stubborn. She is wickedly funny. She is evil. I think she has more tact than I do but I say that comes with age - she has 17 years on me. To be honest, this is really not doing the relationship justice but I just can't put it into words. Maybe this will help explain. I think my friends and family mentioned above would go to great lengths to help me, back me up, and avenge me. But, Debi D (and I think Gramma Debbie did this too) was the one who went up to your dad on our wedding day and threatened him bodily harm if he was ever a jerk to me. Now, that is a true friend - and one that still has your dad shaking in his boots. (No seriously squirts, when I joke with him getting out of line, he will still occasionally come back with "I can't do that because Debi D will kill me.")

I know one of you squirts is a boy and to be honest, I don't know how boy friendships work. We will have to leave that up to your dad to explain someday. I think it has something to do with handshakes, grunts, beer, football and maybe oogling girls. But, bottom line is that male or female, you need the following traits in your friends:

1) Love

2) Kindness

3) Loyalty - Blind loyalty no less. No matter how wrong you are, their loyalty is ALWAYS to you even while they are telling you that you screwed up. Think of it like this: They know you flat out lied to your dear old mom about saying that you were with them the night before. In private, I am sure that you will have chosen friends who said "That is not right to lie to your parents like that. They are way too cool for you to be so disrespectful." However, to me and your dad, they say "Yes, Mr and Mrs Brigham, we sure did go to the movies together last night and had a great time." That is what you want in a good friend.

4) Honesty - even when it is blunt and hurts like a blunt-force trauma

5) Ability to lie when necessary - sounds like a contradiction, huh? Really, sometimes friends need friends to lie. "No, your new buzz haircut looks fine." "No, your butt isn't big, it is just the jeans." "No, ice cream calories don't count for one week after a relationship ends." Again, I don't know what kind of lies boys tell in the spirit of friendship but I bet there are definitely some there. We will let your dad fill us in on this one.

6) History

7) Ability to accept who you are and still like you/love you/care for you.

Oh, and speaking as someone who is starting to think like a parent, I want you to have friends that are GOOD INFLUENCES on you. No crack heads (or whatever they will be called in your day). No punks. No one telling you to ditch school when you are already not doing so hot. No one telling you that you are a loser because you like your parents (haha).

Daycare

Well squirts, this is the same day as your dream nursery was revealed to you but I thought this post should be separate from that blue, pink and brown deliciousness. I had been fretting a bit on where you should go for daycare. It is really a tough choice because these people are truly raising you for 1/3 of your day and we needed to pick someone that would hopefully do a better job of it than we probably will so you have a 33% chance of being normal! I definitely knew that I wanted to take you to daycare - I wanted to give you the opportunity to interract with children and be exposed to lots of different children (oh, ok, and truth be told your parents can't afford to live on one income so daycare wasn't a choice, it was a given). I also had decided that I wanted an in-home daycare facility versus an institutional facility. Dad wanted you in a daycare that was close to his work but I wanted you in a daycare that was closer to the house. To be honest, I can't remember if he gave in or I just ignored him. More than likely, it was that I ignored him. There were 3 places in our 'hood that I wanted to check out. 2 of them, I didn't know anything about except I drive by them everyday. My plan was to call and see if they would have openings then stop over one day unannounced. The 3rd one was where Debbie took Morgan and Debbie's brother took her nephew. I knew she was very strict with the parents & she definitely had her own way of doing things but I really liked that she taught the kids how to swim, she helped to potty train, she had learning curriculums, and she was reasonably priced. Plus, Morgan hasn't turned out too shabby :) Debbie told me that she thought she was going to have openings in April or August so I called her. You are officially reserved for those two spots in August! Our first big act of parenting is done.

Now, I just have to figure out what the heck we are going to do with you from April/May (depending on when you decide to pop out) until August. We are thinking about trying to put an ad in the local college newspaper to see if we can get a temporary nanny for you. Or, I am trying to con your Uncle Zach into volunteering his services :) We will figure it out as it gets closer but the big piece is done.

Finally, I also have to figure out a way to get your dad to stop whining that he never gets a say in anything. Wait, I did leave a huge choice up to him: Vasectomy or tubes tied? 100% his decision :) He chose 25% of your names and approved another 50% of them. I also let him completely choose where we had dinner tonight. I don't understand why the guy doesn't think he has a say in these big decisions!

Window Shopping

Hi squirts. Let me tell you now, the internet is a dangerous, dangerous thing. You can spend hundreds of dollars without even leaving your bed. Trust me on this one. :) Tonight, I went "out shopping" for some new jeans. You squirts are killing my wardrobe choices. I ended up getting two pairs of jeans on ebay. Hopefully, that will help me get through more of the fall.


So, the other thing I have been shopping for - at stores and on the internet is stuff for your baby room. Assuming that we have a Xander Robert and a Maggie Jo, it is definitely hard to find baby room apparel that is fun, yet gender specific. Tonight, I decided to take a look at Walmart and I found a few cute ones there. Then, I went to a baby specific store and holy moly did I find some cute ones there. I sent them all to your dad to take a look. I put some not-so-subtle messaging on my favorite set. I sent him several choices that appealed to me but only 1 set that I LOVE. We will see what he says when he looks at them.


So, because we are so picky and cannot agree, you will end up with the walls as they are today - blue, yellow, green and purple - and some blue sheets and yellow sheets :) But, let's imagine for a moment that mom wins this and she designs what would be the perfect baby room. Let's also imagine that money would not be an option. Here is what your room would look like assuming you are a Xander and Maggie. The walls will be a light brown or a creamy brown or possibly two-tone if we do some sort of moulding divider. We would paint the doors a 3rd shade of brown. (We had already decided to give you a magnetic chalk board wall but that could truly throw off my motif so we are going to ignore that for now.) On Xander's side of the room, the bedding would be blue and brown swirled with lots of blue and brown accents. On Maggie's side of the room, the bedding would be pink and brown swirled with lots of pink and brown accents. The wall art would match the swirls. OK squirts, mom is not the greatest at making all this brown and blue and pink sound very appealing. Here are the photos from the baby store and unfortunately, another life lesson for you: Decorating rarely turns out as well as the pictures you see but we are pretending here, right? :) We may have to con Aunt Kim and Aunt Valerie into taking care of all of the details of pulling this together.

Can you hardly stand how darn cute that would be? It would be modern and not necessarily traditional baby designs but holy smokes, you would so be the envy of all of our friends. (Keeping it real, that isn't going to be hard when none of them have nurseries to compare to)

There are some pitfalls on these choices. 1) They are not available at any of the places that we were planning on registering. 2) They are very expensive. Of course, your mom had to find the "designer" bedding to be the one she was drooling over. 3) How would it truly look all put together in one room? I am not sure but darn it, I think we should try to make it work. :) We will wait and get dad's opinion and we will wait until the 25th when we will hopefully get the final answer on what kind of squirts we are getting. :)

Hello there!

Hi squirts! Did you think I forgot about you? Well, that is kind of impossible given that you get me up to go to the bathroom all of the time, give me weird aches and pains and everytime I get on the scale, you remind me you are in there and growing. Been kind of boring here but you sure are still working to take it out of me. I am so happy that the nausea is gone and the hurling has gone away! Now, we have just moved into a state of sheer exhaustion. I just can't seem to get my sleeping patterns right. I am up late/wake up late/exhausted midday and at dinner time. Sunday, I hung out with your Uncle Zach and I was completely exhausted when I got home. The walking (and truly, it wasn't much walking but still more than I had been doing) just took it out of me. Your Uncle Zach just laughed when I told him to steal a golf cart or go get the staff to drive me up the hill. Some photos of your mom at almost 15 weeks - one silly model pose! Also, one photo of Uncle Zach being silly.




We did have some big family news this week - your cousin Cory is getting married in November. Come time for you to arrive, you will be welcomed by your new cousin Lauren.

Your dad and I were thinking about taking a vacation in October but I don't think we are going to do it now. As much as I wanted to, the cost just didn't feel right knowing how many expenses we have coming up. Not just stuff for you squirts but things around the house - replacement sliding glass doors, new stair railing, paints, etc. Just didn't seem like the right time to go on a trip - even if it was one last hurrah before you came. I am going to go to Minnesota this weekend to see your cousin Brian play soccer. It will be your first pro soccer game and trip out of the state but I don't know it counts when you are in utero. We will cross our fingers that the car doesn't make us too sick. Lots of family time too as there are 12 of us going to be up there (Including Brian).

All about us...

Another pair of scrapbook pages for your baby books, squirts. And, another late night! I slept in today but I don't think it counts since I didn't go to bed until morning. Your dad and I went to buy flooring for your room - we need to replace the flooring in our bedrooms and you are forcing us to do it sooner. I am moving my office/craft room into the smaller room and you squirts are getting the bigger room. *Sigh* another sacrifice I am making for you. I better start making a list of all of these things I am sacrificing for you so I can throw at back at you when you are lippy as a teenager :) We looked at some murals and wall paper for your room. We found a couple we could agree on but it is so hard without knowing if you are 2 boys, 2 girls or a mix of both. We also checked out BabiesRUs to see if we want to register there or Target. I so wish you guys could have heard your dad - he is like a little kid whining that "back in his day, he didn't have this plush stuff." We were looking at Playpens and he said "Man, I got a wood cage and look at these luxurious things." What took the cake was when I pointed to the "Spa tub." It is literally a hot tub/whirlpool for you squirts. Quite fancy - but not that much more expensive than a regular tub. Your dad said "Oh man, I don't even have one of those now." I think that he will be pretty fun when we go to register officially even if I do have to listen to him whine about how rough he had it as a child.
I was so exhausted at the end of the day - we didn't get home until 8 pm and that was only because I started whining that I was going to die if I didn't get home. You knocked it out of me today! I listened to you on the heart rate monitor and you were beating away and moving all over. You have also shifted a bit to the right in my tummy. It never does get old to hear your heartbeats and the little blips of you moving against the microphone!
Well, I am about wrapped up on the baby books - at least as far as I can get. I think I am going to do a pages about the pets that are here that you will torture for several years to come. Then, no more pages for awhile. We will have to wait until we get some good ultrasound photos.

Big Day

Well squirts, today marks the last milestone that your dad and I were anxiously tracking. While you have other milestones that we need to watch for (26 weeks, 32 weeks, 35 weeks), this is a personal milestone that we have somewhat been holding our breath for. Today marks the day when Little M (formally Robert Mark Lang-Brigham) was born prematurely. While it happened on 10/17/03, today marks the day in the pregnancy cycle - 14w5d. As of tomorrow, each day with you is a new journey that we have not taken before. Each day takes us further away from our previous worries of losing you. Each day takes us closer to the reality that you are going to pop out screaming and torture us for many years to come :)

I thought it might be appropriate to share some details on our journey up until you. I hope that you will never experience what your dad and I did but it will also help you to fully appreciate how wanted and loved you truly are. Before I got married, I seriously didn't think I would want a family. I was young - 23 and it really didn't cross my mind much that it was a goal of mine. I kid you not, the day after we got married, my biological clock started going off. I thought I was ready. We tried for about a year to get pregnant - in the sense that we didn't stop pregnancy from happening. We then went to the OB for some help. He put us on medicine for a few months but we still didn't have any success. We were shipped to a specialist and that was really probably a turning point in our infertility journey. We went to see Dr. Maclin. We both really like her - she is no-nonsense and tells it like it is but I think that she truly cares about her patients. I don't know that we will ever see her again (remember - you two are it - no more hurling, nausea, weight gain, crabbiness, or pregnancies) but she is truly a portion of the reason you are with us. We started taking more advanced medicines and our first cycle didn't work. In our second cycle, they found a polyp which I had to have surgically removed. Shortly after, we saw those two lines on the pregnancy test that we were waiting for. We were elated. It finally worked. We had a baby on the way. I think it was 1-2 weeks after we found out that we miscarried the baby. That loss was devastating. All of those dreams, wishes and answered prayers came crashing down around us. It was very difficult on both me and your dad.

We waited a month then tried again. We were thrilled, but more cautious, when we were pregnant again. We had high hormones (similar to you squirts) and we thought for sure there were 3 babies. About 2 weeks into it, I started having signs of a miscarriage. I was in full panic mode. Turns out that the Dr. guessed we lost the triplet but the hormones still showed that there was at least one baby in there. We had our ultrasound and saw two babies with two heartbeats. That was an amazing experience. We were finally on our way with some real progress. A month later, we lost a baby but ultrasound showed us that we still had a remaining baby. We were definitely sad and upset but we had to keep our spirits up for the one baby that was still fighting to make it. A month later, my water broke way too early. The baby was still alive and his heart was beating but there was no fluid in his sac to keep out infection or to help grow his lungs. We were presented a few choices but we decided to let God handle it. If our baby was meant to be, he would be born with a miracle set of lungs. If he was not meant to be, he would be born early. I was in the hospital for monitoring for a week. Once the water broke, it was a very hard time for your dad and me. Everyday was a question of "Will this be the day he will be born or will we be granted a miracle?" We had to make preparations that no expectant family should ever make - if the baby comes at home, what do we do with him? How do we get him to the hospital? A week afterwards, Little M decided it was time to be born and I started labor at the house. Your dad flipped out. (I know this is a serious post but man, his behavior was comical. I think he almost passed out. Can't wait to see him in the delivery room with you squirts) He called the ambulance and by the time we had gotten into the truck, the baby was born. I had a very rough time at the hospital - they had to give me medicine to finish labor, I was in a lot of pain - physically and emotionally. Your dad was in a rough spot because he had to deal with just losing his son - they told us it was a boy - and seeing me in such pain. Gramma Debbie, Gramma Ruth and Aunt Laura came up to the hospital and we all got to hold Little M. My time with him was too brief as I was in so much pain but at least I got to see him. I will never forget his little frog legs or how his lip was out like your dad's always gets. I think Gramma Debbie even said that he had our nose. It is all kind of a blur to me but I remember him being baptized as I was in and out of it. Finally, they had to take me to surgery and I don't think it went too well. I am not being a drama queen on this one squirts but I think it was pretty touch and go for awhile. I was in the hospital for another week before we came home - empty handed with no bambino. We had a funeral for Little M on 10/24 and several of our friends and family members came to show their support. Afterwards, your dad got a cross to wear with an engraving on the back and I got a special ring with 4 links for each one of the babies that we lost & the dates engraved on each one. We had a rough time grieving for that little one. Grieving for the loss of him, grieving for more dreams that were lost, grieving for ourselves, etc.

After some time, we did try again. I believe that it was April of the next year. We got pregnant on the first try but the pregnancy only lasted about a week. I really don't remember being as devastated about this loss. Obviously, we wanted the baby but with our history, we were already conditioned for the worst.

We took a few years off and decided that maybe babies weren't for us. We didn't really want to pursue adoption and neither of us were interested in trying again with Dr. Maclin. We were really settled into the groove of being a family of two and just spoiling our nephews when we got the urge.

In 2007, I started on a mission to lose some weight. In 2008, I went to the surgeon to see about getting cosmetic surgery to clean myself up after my weight loss. It was then when a family had to be decided upon! I couldn't have surgery on my tummy if I ever decided to have a a family - it would be a waste. Your dad and I decided to give it one more try and the result was... well, the result is YOU SQUIRTS! I think that you can pick the story up from here! You really were our last shot. I was going to do cycles over the summer and then I was formally going to call it quits. I thought that if it didn't work, I did everything I could to try to get you here - medicines, dr appt, weight loss, etc. At that point, I was resolved to being childless. Then, two squirts appeared on the ultrasound and you are still going strong.

Like I said, I would never wish this journey on either of you squirts. Once you are married, have a good job and financial independence and decide to have babies, I hope you and your partner get pregnant immediately. However, not all bad came out of our ordeal. We learned a lot - about ourselves, about each other, about our marriage, and about our faith. I think we learned that we are stronger than we thought. I think we grew as a couple because of these hard times. I think the babies tested our faith and I don't think it had a positive impact on your dad's faith but I do cross my fingers that you are the answer to bringing that faith back. As for me, my faith was also tested and I was angry. I couldn't understand why we were being put through these trials when so many people were having unwanted babies. Each horror story on the news was a shot to my heart and I couldn't understand why God would let that happen to babies but not allow us to have a baby. Despite all this anger, in the hospital, I had the most spiritual experience I had ever had (up until Grampa Larry started talking to me). I was so full of anger and sadness and I just didn't know how I was going to deal with this loss. All of a sudden, I felt a hand on my shoulder. Your dad was sleeping in a chair and there was no one else around. My bed was backed up into the wall where no one could stand behind me but there was definitely a hand on my shoulder. I don't know if that hand was of God, of an angel, of Grampa Faiman or what but it definitely was trying to tell me that it was going to be OK. A few weeks afterward, I had a dream that the baby had flown up to heaven and was sitting with Jesus. I think it was just meant to show me that Little M was where he was supposed to be. In the spirit of keeping it real squirts, the hand and the dream still did not keep me from being disillusioned with God or questioning his judgment. However, in time, the anger started to dissolve and I started to accept the fact that it wasn't the right time for us. Or, it wasn't the right plan for us and I just had to accept that. Debi D told me something that I will never forget and I believe that it is so true. When we look at our lives, it is like looking at the back of a cross stitch. It is a complete mess. Lines are tangled, colors are mismatched and there is no semblance of order to any of them. When it is the appropriate time for God to reveal his plan to you, he flips over the canvas and all that work was there to create a beautiful design that we could not see. I had to have faith that there was beauty on the other side of my canvas and that he would reveal it to me in time.

That canvas still hasn't been revealed to me but I wonder if we just weren't ready at the time. I think that I have grown as a person in the last 5 years. I have spent time learning about myself, dealing with internal issues that I had, recognizing where I have more work to do and just plain growing. Now, more than ever, I feel that we are ready - physically, emotionally and financially. This is the best place we have been in during the entire journey and I am not completely scared that our journey is going to end badly. In fact, the only things bad I see at the end of this journey is 2 am feedings and soiled diapers. Oh yeah, the other bad thing is the havoc on my sleep schedule which officially has me awake at 4:44 am and still waiting to go to sleep for the night. But, I think that these are sacrifices I will take on to get you squirts here safely.

Forgiveness

Well squirts, 2:30 am and I can't sleep. It could be you or it could be the diet pepsis I had tonight. Either way, I figure it is time to get philosophical on you - my best thoughts come late at night. These thoughts are way above you for many years but look at it this way, if something ever happens to me, you will have lots of documentation on how I would have raised you. And, if nothing ever happens to me, we can read this together to decipher how your mom's brain worked when she was a sprite 33. Given that my 30s are going to go to raising infants and toddlers and my 40s to teenagers, I may not have the brain capability to share such profound wisdom with you in my 50s/your 20s when you need may need it most :)
So, let's talk about forgiveness. I don't know why this is popping in my head tonight but it is there and it is sticking so I best get it out. Let's face it, along the way, you are going to need to forgive every person in your life multiple times. You will have to forgive your family, your friends, each other and of course, me and your dad. It may be for silly things like forgiving us for grounding you or forgetting to feed you (haha) or it may be for big things like one of your friends hurting your feelings by their words or actions. Whatever the case, you have to forgive people. I am going to be blunt with you squirts, I am so not completely sold on this forgiveness thing. I try and sometimes I have to try extra hard before it sticks. It doesn't come easy to me - I am very proud and I am very stubborn (which surprisingly are two traits I don't blame your grandparents for passing on to me! Must be somewhere else down the genetic line that I received that stubbornness and pride). For many years, I felt that if I forgave people for what I perceived to be wrongs against me, that was saying it was ok that they did it but deep down in my heart, I didn't believe it was OK that they did it. After two years of self-exploration, lots of Oprah shows and self-help books later, I really do believe that you are just hurting yourself when you hold a grudge. Again, in the interest of full disclosure, I still hold many grudges. However, some of them have gone away with this exercise and I am not holding as many grudges inside. And, something you will have to forgive me and your dad for is the fact that you get this stubbornness and grudge holding from both of us!! We will have to work extra hard to teach you to let it go. While your dad is very laid back, once you push him far enough, you can forget about ever getting rid of that grudge. I think he tells me that comes from your Brigham lineage :) (Also, if your dad wants to dispute anything I am saying to you in any of these posts, he knows how to click COMMENT and correct me. haha)
Anywho, I read this quote somewhere and it was so powerful to me that I thought I would share it with you. Imagine how powerful it will be in your lives if you can embrace it at a much earlier age than your mom did at 32. Ready? This is some good stuff squirts, I promise.
"To forgive is not to forget but to understand." See, one of the reasons I had a hard time in forgiveness is that I thought if I truly forgave someone, I had to forget the wrongs that they did against me. But, really, some things you will never forget. However, if you can understand why people are acting the way they are, maybe you can forgive them a bit. Let's see if we can put this into real life examples.
1) Let's start with something silly. You are driving down the road and someone cuts you off in traffic. Well, you can have road rage (another genetic trait you can forgive your father for). Or, you can maybe try to understand why the person did it. Maybe they just got an emergency phone call and are rushing home or to the hospital? You could forgive that, right?
2) I remember when I was in 6th grade (school is tough squirts and you will need to forgive a lot of things but unfortunately, that perspective doesn't come until you are in your 20s or 30s!!) and I was in the hallway with 2 boys and a girl. The girl was the most popular girl in our class. The two boys were not necessarily friends of mine but we had gone to school together for 7 years and they were not people I considered enemies. One of them started making fun of me for having dandruff. The other boy laughed. My feelings were hurt. While they had never made fun of me before, can you maybe understand why they did now? I would venture a guess that they were trying to impress the popular girl. Have I forgotten this episode? Well, obviously not since I am telling you about it 21 years later. Have I gleaned some understanding? Yep, unfortunately squirts, people will sometimes hurt you in order to make themselves feel better or look better. Can I forgive them for that? Well, sure, 21 years later, I can be the bigger person. In the present, can I forgive someone who treats me this way in order to make themselves feel better? Well, maybe not immediately but I really do try to understand where they are coming from and I may be cranky with them for awhile but I try to let it go if I can understand the root of the problem. Sometimes, maybe they are just having a bad day. Sometimes, at work, maybe it is to cover up their incompetence and save their hide. Your dad is helpful with that as he will kind of shake his head and say "Why are you so worked up about this? Who cares?"
3) I have had someone in my life who repeatedly hurt my feelings until a few years ago. I would constantly take their actions personally and allow myself to be hurt again and again. A few years ago, I had an ephiphany that this person was not treating me badly because of who I was. They were not singling me out and treating me inequitably. I began to understand the way this person thinks and why they act that way. Honestly, because of the level of hurt, it is very difficult to forgive this behavior. However, I can understand where they are coming from and empathize a bit. Did you notice I said until a few years ago? This behavior has not changed but I have changed my reaction to it. Understanding where it is coming from has allowed me to let it go. While it may still sting a bit here and there, I don't get all worked up about it because I truly have this feeling of "It is what it is and I can't change it." This understanding has given me a huge level of peace that I can not articulate to you thoroughly. This peace is the main reason I even chose to post this to you at all. If I could have realized how powerful this was, I would have saved myself a lot of anger, resentment, hurt feelings and probably lots of bars of chocolate. (Squirts - your mom is an emotional eater but we can discuss that on another sleep deprived day) While the behavior was hurting me, it was hurting me more to hold on to my anger and resentment. Once I understood it and could compartmentalize it, I felt so much better.

Ok squirts, as we come to 3:00, I will give you another life lesson that is not so much valuable as it shows my cynicism. Again, since I decided to give this book to you when you are older, it is safe for me to say this as you have probably already learned it. Remember that person who cut you off in traffic above? Unfortunately, sometimes there is no understanding. Sometimes, people are just plain jerks. Sometimes, there is no reason why people are mean to you - they are just plain mean. But, maybe if you can learn that "To forgive is not to forget but to understand" you can get rid of a small percentage of those grudges that you are genetically predisposed to having.

Fussy Pants!

I made a decision this weeks squirts. I probably won't give this book to you as youngsters so I can probably share more adult type things with you than I would real youngsters. So, we can have some frank talks and I won't need to worry about ruining your innocence. Not that I have shielded you from much so far but I figure that if I hold this book out until you are older, then you can really learn about me before I was your mom and how fussy I was when I was pregnant.

I was so crabby today. There was no particular reason. I was so tired when I had to get up for work today. I went to bed at 8:30 pm and woke up at 8:30 am and I was still exhausted. I was busy at work and pretty much everything anyone said just ticked me off. I guess it is the hormones but I think this was the worst day so far. I wanted to cry all day but you will learn, I repress all emotions so that didn't come out but I probably would have made me feel better. I warned your dad today that I was a crabby pants and he should go out or face the wrath. However, he decided to stay home and bait me into being even crabbier. Learn that squirts - your dad will relentlessly tease and bait you when you are misbehaving.

I am also starting to get very stir crazy and bored. I think it is about time to get out of the house. I am tired of the TV. I am tired of the internet. Reading is boring. Yep, I think you are telling me to get some fun back in my life. Don't know that I would do very well on bedrest - I would probably cause your dad bodily harm when he got home from work!!

Anyway, those are my rants today. Oh, one more for you. I went and registered online for diapers, blankets, wipes, a carrier, etc. Since we are doing cloth, there is a larger expense upfront. However, I don't know that I realized how much you were going to cost. I probably put too many things on there but it was $2200. Do you squirts realize that isn't even bedding? Strollers? Clothes? Car seats? Feeding supplies? That is just to deal with your pooh. That is at least two dive trips we are sacrificing. :)

Baby Book pages - dad

As promised squirts, need to give you some scoop on your dad. Just to give you the honest scoop, your dad did give me the information on these pages. I did not edit for him or put words in his mouth. I simply read the questions to him and he answered. Yes, at times it was painful but he did it for you! Oh, and excuse the beer. It probably isn't the best example to set for you but it is one of my favorite photos of your dad. We took it on our 10 year anniversary trip to Alaska.

14 Week Appointment

Hi Squirts! We got to see you both today. Man, it sure does seem like you have doubled in size since our last appointment. The pictures in our last one showed you pretty far apart. However, today, it looked like you were sitting on top of each other. Quality bonding going on in there. I don't know that I will have any 14 week pictures for you as the video wasn't as good today but all is well. You are on track for growth, you were moving all around, your hands and feet were more distinguished today. Despite my fear that something was wrong this weekend, the doctor found no concerns with you. I asked when we should plan on you being here. Word was 2/9 is pretty average for twins. Although you can come earlier or you can come later, Dad and I are going to try to have your room ready for 2/9.

Sunday is a big milestone for us. Our longest pregnancy only lasted through 14w5d and that is Saturday. So, each day forward from Sunday is a new adventure. You squirts are so different than our other pregnancies that it has all been an adventure but we sure will breathe a sigh of relief on Sunday. Because we actually got to see/hold Little M, dad and I can fully relate to how big you are right now. From head to toe, you are about the length of my hand.

Last night, we made our first baby purchase for you. You got 11 onesies (6 on sale, 5 on clearance) and 2 swim diapers (L & XL) and 2 swim bikinis (L & XL). If we find out that you are two boys or two girls, one set can go back but I couldn't pass up the $1.48 deals! Plus, we plan on having you in a lot of water very early. I will be doing a page for you of your first clothes!

OK squirts, I saved the best for last. While you already know this particular juicy piece of information, some of your family reads this blog and they are going to be dying to know! On our ultrasound, we could CLEARLY see that one of you is definitely going to be Xander. You were moving your butt and legs all over the place saying "Hey, look at my family jewels, I am SO a boy!" The doctor said he is 85% certain you are a boy. He then said "Sorry, the other baby won't let me get a good look." At that point, the other squirt started flashing his/her butt and legs at us like "HELLO, I am trying to show you too. Don't leave me out." Doctor was inconclusive on "Squirt A" but I wonder if it is a girl because there were no family jewels there. :) I don't know if I will graduate from calling you squirts to your given names (narrowed down now to Xander, Jacob or Maggie). Might change from day to day.

That is all for today squirts. It was a good morning and we both left the appointment with a sense of relief and happiness. Next time we get to see you will be in two weeks and two days. By the way squirts, we got our first hospital bill today and each time we are overcome with joy to see you costs $1200+. We will cross our fingers that insurance picks it up or your inheritance (haha) just got that much smaller!

More pages for your baby book

I am trying to get your baby book all up to date before you are here. All of the things that I can put in there that don't require you to be in the photos :) Today's clip is all about ME! I am doing the same layout for dad. Lots of stuff that both of us want to share with you and to teach you about us.

4:00 am? Are you kidding me?

Squirts - I thought we had a talk a few days ago about how I love to sleep? Are you already disobeying me as your parent? I went to bed about midnight last night and at 4:00 am, I was up. I went to the bathroom and got a glass of water and couldn't get back to sleep. Your dad was shocked when I went downstairs at 5:00 to crawl up next to him on the lovesac with the pups. (Your dad gets up at all hours of the night and goes downstairs to watch TV) I made it until 9 when I had to crash until noon. Now, at 8:35 pm, I am exhausted and will be turning in soon.
Normally, I wouldn't do a whole post to complain about waking up at 4:00 am. (OK, you guys already know I am lying since I am a big whiner when it comes to sleep!) However, I had somewhat of a scare this weekend. It was the first time I called the doctor. That isn't too shabby if you think about it - you have been cooking for 14 weeks and this was the first panic button I pushed. Remember how I told you yesterday that I felt you tighten into a ball and ram into my tummy? That feeling hasn't gone away and it is now there all of the time. That, coupled with horrible nightmares during my nap and the inability to keep food down forced me to call the doctor. He thinks you are fine - just stretching and such. Told me to call again if I get sicker - so far today, I have been good - or start having pain. We will see him (and you both) on Tuesday and I think I will feel much better then when you look perfect on the screen rather than just hearing it on the phone and heart rate monitor.
Wonder if I can bribe you for 2 things tonight - the ability to keep my dinner down and a good nights sleep? What is it worth to you both? The promise to let one misbehavior go when you get old enough to be punished? A trip to the zoo? Some ice cream? You name it and I may be up for negotiating!

Killing me here....

Lots of random topics for you squirts but let me start by saying "YOU ARE KILLING ME!" OK, not you particularly but the hormones you are producing. Can you take it down a notch? :) I had a few days of feeling good and getting lulled into this fall sense of security that the nausea/hurling was going to stop. I was reborn! The nausea returned Thursday & Friday. Then, all of my dinner came up Friday night, breakfast this morning and lunch this afternoon. All of this was quite inconvenient as I was trying to take a shower this morning and I was driving this afternoon! I don't think you particularly cared for it either as I think I felt some rebellion in my tummy because you were hungry. The non-jimmy leg squirt (The squirt sitting on the far left is referred to as the jimmy leg baby as this squirt appears to be more active and we are fully anticipating you to have jimmy leg like your dad. The squirt sitting in the middle is more calm.) was protesting that there was no food today (Not for lacking of trying on my part) and I swear you rolled yourself into a ball and just slammed my tummy. Kind of like "HELLO - I am hungry in here." You did it like 3 times. Another sign that non-jimmy leg baby probably takes after me as I sure do like my food - well, only on the way down!!

I finally got a hair cut today! I even got a dye job. Make note of this so if you want to be a brat down the line, you can say it was caused by the chemicals in my hair dye at 13 weeks 4 days. It is OK - I will deserve it, I blame everything on your grandparents so it is karma.

Dad and I had to make a major purchase - a new washer. While I think your dad was expecting a fight from me to get the cheapest model, I was all for the latest and greatest. My expectations for the salesman: Highly energy efficient and a soak cycle for your cloth diapers. Yep, because you will go through 24 bulky diapers a day, we got the industrial strength washer. The cost difference between that and the cheap one I would have gotten is definitely coming out of your inheritance. ha ha! We can talk about what will be your lack of inheritance on another day. Your mom and dad sure do like to travel so don't expect a golden goose egg when we croak!

I stocked up on books today from the library. 2 on multiple pregnancies and 3 on breastfeeding. I need to prepare! I felt so much better after ready one of the multiple books. The nutritionist told me that I should gain NO weight in the first trimester and I have been FLIPPING OUT. She also told me I should be eating 1800 calories. I knew I had been eating way more than that because the junk is what has been staying down and then I was kicking myself for eating too much and gaining too much weight. Finally, they told me overall, I should gain 30 lbs. So, as of yesterday, I had gained 9 lbs. I was really feeling down on myself because of all those things I just listed. According to this book, I should have gained 13-16 lbs by now. So, I am actually behind. Also, for two squirts, I should be eating 3500 calories a day. I want to cry with relief. I have seriously been stressed about this and I feel so much better. The book was also insistent that the dad be home as much as possible after birth. So, I have upped my demands on your dad to 4 weeks of vacation. Yeah, I know that sounds like a lot. However, the guy never takes vacation. He can carry two weeks from this year and use 2 weeks from next year and be golden. Plus, I will start using that whole "You need to bond with your babies" rhetoric and see how far that gets me.

Finally, I dragged your dad through the baby aisles at Target today. Things sure have changed in the 5 years since we looked last. The prices sure have gone up too. I will have to start talking to your dad about getting a part time job to afford all of this :) It was kind of exciting to be looking at all that stuff but we won't actually start buying or registering for awhile. We want to know your gender first and then wait awhile longer just to be safe.

That is all for today squirts. Hopefully, the hormones will calm down and we can have some grub tomorrow! I know all 3 of us want it.

Gramma Ruth

Hi squirts! In case you don't know this yet, your mom is kind of old. Yep, ripe old age of 33 when you are going to be here. We won't get into how your dad will be turning 40 after you get here. But, as you get older, the memory starts to go and I wanted to write this down before it flew out of my brain. I wanted to take the opportunity to tell you a few things about your Gramma Ruth today. A few weeks ago, she found out that she had breast cancer. She had surgery earlier this week - remember I told you that she was fine? Well, she is more than fine. She is a rockstar! I am seriously in awe and inspired by how she has handled herself during this whole ordeal. While she was nervous about the outcome, you would never know that she was sick. Then, after the surgery, she was alert almost immediately and feistier than ever. She could have gone home 24 hours later! She never complained. She never felt sorry for herself. She never even took her pain medicine. She is TOUGH! I am so proud of her and I would bet your dad is too. That is definitely behavior that I hope to raise you to emulate!

I confess squirts that your Gramma Ruth is a better person than me! I am a wussy when it comes to pain. I am letting the doctor know to have the epidural ready starting about January 1 for your delivery. If I was your Gramma Ruth, I would have just requested to be drugged up in a coma for about 3 days. Every time the nurse would have said "How is the pain?", I would have whined loudly "Unbearable - drug me up!" Gramma Ruth didn't flinch. Your dad has that same quality - Advil is about as strong of medicine as he will take. However, between you & me squirts, your dad is a bigger wussy than your Gramma. He gets whiney when he doesn't feel good. :)

Anyway squirts, things are uneventful here. We will get to see you in a couple of days - Tuesday is the next time. New photos and new opportunities for you to show off to the cameras. I felt good but the nausea has been back for a couple of days. Let's be hopeful and chalk it up to one final hurrah before the hormones even out.

Stressing out...

Well squirts, it was a pretty uneventful day today. However, your mom started getting herself a little flipped out. What are we going to do for childcare? How long can I keep you at home with me before I ship you out? Where am I going to take you? How much will it cost? I know I have time to figure all this out but I started getting a little bit weirded out. Then, I started researching diapers. I am PRO-Cloth but the choices are so overwhelming. I had hoped to make up my mind, do a bulk order and call it a day. But, what if I do the order and I hate them? I will have $700 worth of diapers that don't work for you. You squirts aren't even here and I am already facing this whole parenting thing. Not that dad isn't facing these things too but he is more laid back than me. He goes with the flow, shrugs his shoulders and says it will all work out. What is the worst that can happen? The dogs watch you while I work and you lay there naked with no diapers or we pin up some paper towels on you? Ok, your dad may not really say that (Or, he might then give an evil grin) but he really is that laid back.

You guys took it out of me today going back to work after my long weekend. I barely made it until 5:30. You wiped me out and I needed a nap! Then, I was also pretty darn crabby until I got that nap. I guess that is the hormones you are filling me up with. My baby book says that you are still cooking for 187 more days. However, if you come a bit early - like 35 weeks, we are more like 152 days away. Squirts - that is like a blink of an eye. By the time the holidays roll around, you will be here before you know it!

Big revelation!

Besides having good news with Gramma Ruth, it was kind of an odd day. I realized that I have changed my mindshift from "If these squirts come..." to "When these squirts come...." Being so panicked with our prior losses, it has really taken me this long to fully embrace this pregnancy. Yeah, I talked about it, wished for it, dreamed about it but I don't know that I fully let myself attach to it. Now, I have. It was also odd that Mark and I were in the car talking about something silly and he said "Oh yeah, when the baby needs a time out, we will say 'Xander, get in that console.'" (Long story about the console) That is the first time that he has called one of the squirts by their potential names. I think he is also shifting his mindset. Oddly frightening and exciting at the same time. Frightening because there is going to come a day when I am going to have to pop these squirts out, feed them, clothe them, change their diapers, and raise them (might need to divert funds from your college fund to a therapy fund when we are done with you squirts!). Exciting because this is really happening.

I know it isn't probably scientifically possible but I could swear that I felt the squirts move today. I know pretty much where they are sitting because of the fetal heart rate monitor. Out of nowhere, I felt a big flutter. (Warning: TMI to follow) I waited for the gas to follow because that is kind of what it typically feels like. However, there was no gas. Then, a little bit to the right where the other squirt is, I felt another flutter with no gas. It happened about 2 more times through the course of the day. I suppose there is a scientific explanation but I will go to bed with a smile on my face that they were just saying hi to me!

Gramma Ruth & Nursery

Good news today little squirts! Gramma Ruth had surgery and we were really worried about her. The surgery went really well and she was feisty as heck when we saw her after the operation. She is going to be around for a long time to spoil you rotten!

I found this website with murals and I would really like to put it on a wall in the nursery. It is pretty gender neutral. However, if we learn that the babies are of the same gender (hopefully on 9/25), I would choose another mural that was probably more gender specific. I think I would do solid colors of bedding for the cribs - green/blue for the boy and maybe yellow/purple for the girl.

Mark and I both agreed that we aren't going to do anything until January - get prepared, paint, create the nursery. However, I think that it might start that week after Christmas. I did some research on the average delivery of twins and 37 weeks is optimal for max health benefits (2/16/09) but 35 weeks is pretty common (2/2/09). So, I think we may need to have things ready around the middle of January. I am assuming that most of January is going to be pretty low key for me as far as activity goes. I have read that a lot of people go on bed rest at 24 weeks (11/17/08) but I am hoping that since I work from home, I can delay that. Gosh, reading those dates, we might start in December. 26 weeks is a huge date for viability and that would be 12/1. Think we may need to start negotiating this in the Brigham household!

Big day & honoring Grampa Larry

Today is a huge milestone for Mark, me and you squirts. Today marks 13 weeks into our pregnancy. Statistically, it is a huge barrier to cross and helps reduce the odds of loss. While we have experienced loss after 13 weeks, it is still a big item to cross off our checklist.




Squirts - it is a big day for us because you are 1/3 of the way cooked today but it is also a sad day as it is the one year anniversary of when Grampa Larry died. I won't go into all of the details of his death but I do want to share with you that I think he is a huge part of why you are with us now. See, Grampa Larry was taken unexpectedly. Yes, we knew he was sick and was going to pass on but it was unexpected in the manner that he was so young. I think he was kind of scared of kids but I do think that you would have loved him. It seemed the more adverse he was to kids, the more they wanted to be around him. Your cousin Andrew even ranked him in his top 3 favorite people at one time and that was tough competition! He might have been really scared of you as little squirts but he would have liked playing with you and teasing you when you got older. He probably would have been embarrassed the first time you called him grampa. He would have taken you fishing. He would have shown you how his leg came off and watch your eyes get all buggy. He would have taught you how to light smokebombs on the 4th of July. I can even picture him sliding you squirts under a car to learn how to work on them or strapping you into his prized El Camino to take you for a ride. He may have even shared his prized stash of candy with you if he was really in a good mood that day! Unfortunately, he isn't here to do those things with you but I imagine you have met him already and he is keeping you company as you are growing inside me now. I also imagine that you will see him when you are little squirts here living with us as I truly believe that he is with us and kiddos can see those who are watching over us. Finally, I also believe that Grampa Larry was instrumental in helping you come to be. After he was gone, I dreamt about him in October. In the dream, it was so real it was like I was talking to him and I believe that I was. We talked about some private things, some silly things and we talked about you. He asked if I wanted a family and I told him that I didn't know. (I knew we did want you squirts but I didn't know if we emotionally or physically ready to try yet again to have you) He told me that I really needed to make up my mind. Well, come June, we did make up our mind to try one last time. I didn't think the treatment would be successful on the first try. I figured it would take 2 or 3. But, voila, you squirts were created on the first try and you are 1/3 of the way grown and I think Grampa Larry was instrumental in that. I will share a silly picture of him with you that will let you see how I think he would have acted around you. His great-nieces had just gone to the circus and dressed him up when they got back. For someone who tried to be so tough and macho, sure was a softy when kiddos were around.

Family Tree

These scrapbook pages have been rolling around in my mind for a few weeks now and this morning, I saw a scrapbook kit that was just what I wanted for the squirts. We are going to try to get some photos to add for Mark's grandparents. I am taking it easy today - I was not feeling well at all from about 3:30 am till about 2. My stomach was going crazy and making me fear that there was something wrong with the squirts. But, so far, so good. Just have to get through the indigestion. We had bought a fetal doppler monitor so we could hear the squirts heartbeats. We had yet to hear it through Wednesday. I decided to try it again today to see if we found something it would make us feel better. We did! We heard one squirt's heartbeat and them moving around. Then, the battery died on the monitor before we could hear the other one. First day the stupid made-in-China machine works and the battery dies. Oy!

Sleep Disorders...

I fully recognize that having children is permanently going to alter my sleep schedule (oh, and babies, that is another sacrifice I will remind you of daily until I croak because your mom loves to sleep - a lot) until they are able to take care of themselves. However, I have had the assumption that I was a GOOD Sleeper as a young'un. I don't even remember watching too many Saturday cartoons (yes, babies, when you read this you will be shocked to learn that back in your parent's days we only had cartoons for a few hours every week - Saturday mornings. We didn't have 24x7 tv networks with cartoons. Talk about having OLD parents - but take solace in the fact that they were in color!!) because I wasn't up that early and I quite remember being able to pour cereal at a young age so I am assuming 5 years max of sleep deprivation. Yeah, family jewels getting clipped is so going to happen - any more kids would stretch out that deprivation.

Anywho, back to my current sleep disorder. I don't know that I was prepared for sleep issues this early. Starting at about week 6, I was up 3-4 times a night to go to the bathroom. Hello? I am a chic that only goes to the bathroom 3-4 times in a 24 hour period. Lately, I have been having problems falling asleep - can't get comfortable, can't fall asleep, etc. I have also been having a hard time staying asleep after the bathroom breaks. I have read that this is pretty normal - your body is preparing you for all those nightly feedings. (Sidenote, I am fully planning on breast feeding but bottles do have a HUGE advantage in the sense that I can slap Mark in the head and tell him it is his turn to feed them while I continue to sleep. When I am the food source, all I can do is slap him in the head and ask him to bring in the squirts. He would be back asleep before the babies even latched on.)

But, let's look at today. Up at 6:15 when I fully prepared to sleep in. Nap from 12-2. Nap from 5:30-7:30. Now, it is 1:16 and I am no where near sleep. Granted, nappies don't help the sleep patterns but I was literally exhausted - I couldn't have stayed awake if I tried. Being on vacation, I confess to not trying too hard. I don't fear bed rest during the pregnancy & I don't know that I want it - heck the office is already in bed! I do hope for a flex schedule where I can work any hours I want to get my 8 hours in. You know - work 2 hours, nappy 2 hours, work at midnight when I am wide awake, sleep at 3 in the afternoon when I am exhausted. I don't think that is going to be an issue with my manager but can I invoke it at 12+ weeks or do I have to wait until like 24 weeks? :)

Enough of the 1:25 am ramblings. Today went a little downhill - felt good from 6-12 am and the rest of the day tanked. Nauseous, tired, hurling. Normal day but have to be grateful for those glorious 6 hours!