When it rains, it pours. We have been swamped this month. We had a vacation, a 1st birthday, 2 weddings and luckily, no funerals! While I have a lot to catch you up on, there are three things I came to write about tonight.
I am getting rid of the bottles. Joey has to be off the sauce at 1. We have been spoiling him a bit and giving him one here and there. You miss those bottles and when you see one, you want it. So, we need to kick them to the curb. We are also finishing up the remaining baby food that we have in the house. After this batch, there will be no more bought.
This purging is really taking a toll on me. Not only did my baby turn 1, I have a immediate follow up with the baby items leaving the house. It is weird because I am very happy to have 2 babies and I have no desire to have more - financially, physically, mentally. But, knowing that I made such a drastic decision to stop any more babies and also purging the baby items is really making me pause. I made the right decision and I don't regret it, but this is truly closing the book on a chapter in my life that was rough, tough and abusive but also the best ever! Seeing each of the events (turning 1, no more bottles, no more food) really drove home the finality of that stage in my life.
Something happened last night and I honestly don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing so I figured that I would write about it to figure out how I felt about it. Elijah has been choking and poking in the neck. It is very painful to me - I am not sure if it is my thyroid or if it is just that painful to everyone. Last night, you poked me and I poked you back. It hurt you and you cried. I did feel bad and we snuggled a bit. But, after you calmed down, you got upset one more time and you screamed at me "You don't do that to my neck." You even pointed at me. It wasn't a squealing scream - it was anger, crying and pain.
I am going to be blunt with you, Elijah. It did not bother me that you were in pain because I felt like you had to know how that hurt others. It did not bother me that you cried a bit because I want to cry too. What really is sitting heavy on my shoulders is the fact that you calmed down then screamed at me.
I have two ways to look at this. #1 you are an undisciplined heathen who has been trained that it is ok to be so disrespectful to your parents and that you can talk back to us whenever you feel like it. There is a grain of truth to that but I feel like we do address it and it will come with a little bit of time/maturity. Most times, it is more funny than something to punish you over and I have not been told that you do it to others.
The other way that is weighing on me is a little bit more deep and more of a reflection on me than you. See, I never would have talked back like that. I may have at 2.5 but I probably only did once. I knew that I had to listen or... else. So, I listened out of fear. Yeah, I probably did talk like that to your gramma Debbie because she was probably a softie. But, I never would have talked back like that to your Grampa Keith or your Great Grampa Lang.
In a warped way, I was glad you talked back to me. It made me happy that you don't fear me. Now, don't get me wrong, I want you to listen to me. I want you to respect me. But, I never want you to fear me. With these 2.5 years under our belt, it is clear who the meanie is in our house. Your dad thought that it would be him. I thought it would be me. When you were a baby, I thought it would be him. But, as you have gotten older, I am more strict with you. And, that weighs on me. I know I have to be a good parent and I can't be your buddy until you are an adult. But, I don't want you to look back and think that I was the meanie - the one you feared.
So, one little yelling/rebelling incident taught me that things are working out ok. It made me noodle it over a bit but I am pleased with where we are. I know it will get worse, but, as of this moment, I am at peace with it.
One final thing I have been noticing lately. I think I am getting better at letting things go and really truly focusing on my "family" - meaning you two and your dad. I am pretty high strung at times and I am always advised to step back and look at the grand scheme of things. If they don't impact my family, they shouldn't get me worked up. I think I am slowly starting to get there. That is big progress for me but it is only because you guys just mean the world to me. Most other things in life pale to you guys and aren't worth the emotional turmoil.
Short recap of what we have done this month -
Drove to Denver
First Roller Coaster Ride
First Train ride
Alpine Slide
Blankman wedding
Father's Day
Madagascar 3
Cousin Fun - we too po' to have a car for each kid :)
New Sunday tradition of Breakfast at Ingredient
Uncle Tyler's Graduation
Water fun with Gramma Debbie
Zoo with Gramma Debi D
Made a video for Great Gramma's birthday (that is "cracker Gramma" to Elijah)
Upcoming events
Olympic Swim Trials
CWS Homerun Derby & Fireworks show
4th of July Holiday
Trip to Minnesota with Auntie Val to see Brian & Erica (Elijah)
Overnight with Auntie Val (Elijah & Joey)
Morgan's birthday party
I leave you with one of my favorite photos of Joey right around his birthday. Happy Birthday Handsome!!
