Well squirts, today marks the last milestone that your dad and I were anxiously tracking. While you have other milestones that we need to watch for (26 weeks, 32 weeks, 35 weeks), this is a personal milestone that we have somewhat been holding our breath for. Today marks the day when Little M (formally Robert Mark Lang-Brigham) was born prematurely. While it happened on 10/17/03, today marks the day in the pregnancy cycle - 14w5d. As of tomorrow, each day with you is a new journey that we have not taken before. Each day takes us further away from our previous worries of losing you. Each day takes us closer to the reality that you are going to pop out screaming and torture us for many years to come :)
I thought it might be appropriate to share some details on our journey up until you. I hope that you will never experience what your dad and I did but it will also help you to fully appreciate how wanted and loved you truly are. Before I got married, I seriously didn't think I would want a family. I was young - 23 and it really didn't cross my mind much that it was a goal of mine. I kid you not, the day after we got married, my biological clock started going off. I thought I was ready. We tried for about a year to get pregnant - in the sense that we didn't stop pregnancy from happening. We then went to the OB for some help. He put us on medicine for a few months but we still didn't have any success. We were shipped to a specialist and that was really probably a turning point in our infertility journey. We went to see Dr. Maclin. We both really like her - she is no-nonsense and tells it like it is but I think that she truly cares about her patients. I don't know that we will ever see her again (remember - you two are it - no more hurling, nausea, weight gain, crabbiness, or pregnancies) but she is truly a portion of the reason you are with us. We started taking more advanced medicines and our first cycle didn't work. In our second cycle, they found a polyp which I had to have surgically removed. Shortly after, we saw those two lines on the pregnancy test that we were waiting for. We were elated. It finally worked. We had a baby on the way. I think it was 1-2 weeks after we found out that we miscarried the baby. That loss was devastating. All of those dreams, wishes and answered prayers came crashing down around us. It was very difficult on both me and your dad.
We waited a month then tried again. We were thrilled, but more cautious, when we were pregnant again. We had high hormones (similar to you squirts) and we thought for sure there were 3 babies. About 2 weeks into it, I started having signs of a miscarriage. I was in full panic mode. Turns out that the Dr. guessed we lost the triplet but the hormones still showed that there was at least one baby in there. We had our ultrasound and saw two babies with two heartbeats. That was an amazing experience. We were finally on our way with some real progress. A month later, we lost a baby but ultrasound showed us that we still had a remaining baby. We were definitely sad and upset but we had to keep our spirits up for the one baby that was still fighting to make it. A month later, my water broke way too early. The baby was still alive and his heart was beating but there was no fluid in his sac to keep out infection or to help grow his lungs. We were presented a few choices but we decided to let God handle it. If our baby was meant to be, he would be born with a miracle set of lungs. If he was not meant to be, he would be born early. I was in the hospital for monitoring for a week. Once the water broke, it was a very hard time for your dad and me. Everyday was a question of "Will this be the day he will be born or will we be granted a miracle?" We had to make preparations that no expectant family should ever make - if the baby comes at home, what do we do with him? How do we get him to the hospital? A week afterwards, Little M decided it was time to be born and I started labor at the house. Your dad flipped out. (I know this is a serious post but man, his behavior was comical. I think he almost passed out. Can't wait to see him in the delivery room with you squirts) He called the ambulance and by the time we had gotten into the truck, the baby was born. I had a very rough time at the hospital - they had to give me medicine to finish labor, I was in a lot of pain - physically and emotionally. Your dad was in a rough spot because he had to deal with just losing his son - they told us it was a boy - and seeing me in such pain. Gramma Debbie, Gramma Ruth and Aunt Laura came up to the hospital and we all got to hold Little M. My time with him was too brief as I was in so much pain but at least I got to see him. I will never forget his little frog legs or how his lip was out like your dad's always gets. I think Gramma Debbie even said that he had our nose. It is all kind of a blur to me but I remember him being baptized as I was in and out of it. Finally, they had to take me to surgery and I don't think it went too well. I am not being a drama queen on this one squirts but I think it was pretty touch and go for awhile. I was in the hospital for another week before we came home - empty handed with no bambino. We had a funeral for Little M on 10/24 and several of our friends and family members came to show their support. Afterwards, your dad got a cross to wear with an engraving on the back and I got a special ring with 4 links for each one of the babies that we lost & the dates engraved on each one. We had a rough time grieving for that little one. Grieving for the loss of him, grieving for more dreams that were lost, grieving for ourselves, etc.
After some time, we did try again. I believe that it was April of the next year. We got pregnant on the first try but the pregnancy only lasted about a week. I really don't remember being as devastated about this loss. Obviously, we wanted the baby but with our history, we were already conditioned for the worst.
We took a few years off and decided that maybe babies weren't for us. We didn't really want to pursue adoption and neither of us were interested in trying again with Dr. Maclin. We were really settled into the groove of being a family of two and just spoiling our nephews when we got the urge.
In 2007, I started on a mission to lose some weight. In 2008, I went to the surgeon to see about getting cosmetic surgery to clean myself up after my weight loss. It was then when a family had to be decided upon! I couldn't have surgery on my tummy if I ever decided to have a a family - it would be a waste. Your dad and I decided to give it one more try and the result was... well, the result is YOU SQUIRTS! I think that you can pick the story up from here! You really were our last shot. I was going to do cycles over the summer and then I was formally going to call it quits. I thought that if it didn't work, I did everything I could to try to get you here - medicines, dr appt, weight loss, etc. At that point, I was resolved to being childless. Then, two squirts appeared on the ultrasound and you are still going strong.
Like I said, I would never wish this journey on either of you squirts. Once you are married, have a good job and financial independence and decide to have babies, I hope you and your partner get pregnant immediately. However, not all bad came out of our ordeal. We learned a lot - about ourselves, about each other, about our marriage, and about our faith. I think we learned that we are stronger than we thought. I think we grew as a couple because of these hard times. I think the babies tested our faith and I don't think it had a positive impact on your dad's faith but I do cross my fingers that you are the answer to bringing that faith back. As for me, my faith was also tested and I was angry. I couldn't understand why we were being put through these trials when so many people were having unwanted babies. Each horror story on the news was a shot to my heart and I couldn't understand why God would let that happen to babies but not allow us to have a baby. Despite all this anger, in the hospital, I had the most spiritual experience I had ever had (up until Grampa Larry started talking to me). I was so full of anger and sadness and I just didn't know how I was going to deal with this loss. All of a sudden, I felt a hand on my shoulder. Your dad was sleeping in a chair and there was no one else around. My bed was backed up into the wall where no one could stand behind me but there was definitely a hand on my shoulder. I don't know if that hand was of God, of an angel, of Grampa Faiman or what but it definitely was trying to tell me that it was going to be OK. A few weeks afterward, I had a dream that the baby had flown up to heaven and was sitting with Jesus. I think it was just meant to show me that Little M was where he was supposed to be. In the spirit of keeping it real squirts, the hand and the dream still did not keep me from being disillusioned with God or questioning his judgment. However, in time, the anger started to dissolve and I started to accept the fact that it wasn't the right time for us. Or, it wasn't the right plan for us and I just had to accept that. Debi D told me something that I will never forget and I believe that it is so true. When we look at our lives, it is like looking at the back of a cross stitch. It is a complete mess. Lines are tangled, colors are mismatched and there is no semblance of order to any of them. When it is the appropriate time for God to reveal his plan to you, he flips over the canvas and all that work was there to create a beautiful design that we could not see. I had to have faith that there was beauty on the other side of my canvas and that he would reveal it to me in time.
That canvas still hasn't been revealed to me but I wonder if we just weren't ready at the time. I think that I have grown as a person in the last 5 years. I have spent time learning about myself, dealing with internal issues that I had, recognizing where I have more work to do and just plain growing. Now, more than ever, I feel that we are ready - physically, emotionally and financially. This is the best place we have been in during the entire journey and I am not completely scared that our journey is going to end badly. In fact, the only things bad I see at the end of this journey is 2 am feedings and soiled diapers. Oh yeah, the other bad thing is the havoc on my sleep schedule which officially has me awake at 4:44 am and still waiting to go to sleep for the night. But, I think that these are sacrifices I will take on to get you squirts here safely.
