Well squirts, 2:30 am and I can't sleep. It could be you or it could be the diet pepsis I had tonight. Either way, I figure it is time to get philosophical on you - my best thoughts come late at night. These thoughts are way above you for many years but look at it this way, if something ever happens to me, you will have lots of documentation on how I would have raised you. And, if nothing ever happens to me, we can read this together to decipher how your mom's brain worked when she was a sprite 33. Given that my 30s are going to go to raising infants and toddlers and my 40s to teenagers, I may not have the brain capability to share such profound wisdom with you in my 50s/your 20s when you need may need it most :)
So, let's talk about forgiveness. I don't know why this is popping in my head tonight but it is there and it is sticking so I best get it out. Let's face it, along the way, you are going to need to forgive every person in your life multiple times. You will have to forgive your family, your friends, each other and of course, me and your dad. It may be for silly things like forgiving us for grounding you or forgetting to feed you (haha) or it may be for big things like one of your friends hurting your feelings by their words or actions. Whatever the case, you have to forgive people. I am going to be blunt with you squirts, I am so not completely sold on this forgiveness thing. I try and sometimes I have to try extra hard before it sticks. It doesn't come easy to me - I am very proud and I am very stubborn (which surprisingly are two traits I don't blame your grandparents for passing on to me! Must be somewhere else down the genetic line that I received that stubbornness and pride). For many years, I felt that if I forgave people for what I perceived to be wrongs against me, that was saying it was ok that they did it but deep down in my heart, I didn't believe it was OK that they did it. After two years of self-exploration, lots of Oprah shows and self-help books later, I really do believe that you are just hurting yourself when you hold a grudge. Again, in the interest of full disclosure, I still hold many grudges. However, some of them have gone away with this exercise and I am not holding as many grudges inside. And, something you will have to forgive me and your dad for is the fact that you get this stubbornness and grudge holding from both of us!! We will have to work extra hard to teach you to let it go. While your dad is very laid back, once you push him far enough, you can forget about ever getting rid of that grudge. I think he tells me that comes from your Brigham lineage :) (Also, if your dad wants to dispute anything I am saying to you in any of these posts, he knows how to click COMMENT and correct me. haha)
Anywho, I read this quote somewhere and it was so powerful to me that I thought I would share it with you. Imagine how powerful it will be in your lives if you can embrace it at a much earlier age than your mom did at 32. Ready? This is some good stuff squirts, I promise.
"To forgive is not to forget but to understand." See, one of the reasons I had a hard time in forgiveness is that I thought if I truly forgave someone, I had to forget the wrongs that they did against me. But, really, some things you will never forget. However, if you can understand why people are acting the way they are, maybe you can forgive them a bit. Let's see if we can put this into real life examples.
1) Let's start with something silly. You are driving down the road and someone cuts you off in traffic. Well, you can have road rage (another genetic trait you can forgive your father for). Or, you can maybe try to understand why the person did it. Maybe they just got an emergency phone call and are rushing home or to the hospital? You could forgive that, right?
2) I remember when I was in 6th grade (school is tough squirts and you will need to forgive a lot of things but unfortunately, that perspective doesn't come until you are in your 20s or 30s!!) and I was in the hallway with 2 boys and a girl. The girl was the most popular girl in our class. The two boys were not necessarily friends of mine but we had gone to school together for 7 years and they were not people I considered enemies. One of them started making fun of me for having dandruff. The other boy laughed. My feelings were hurt. While they had never made fun of me before, can you maybe understand why they did now? I would venture a guess that they were trying to impress the popular girl. Have I forgotten this episode? Well, obviously not since I am telling you about it 21 years later. Have I gleaned some understanding? Yep, unfortunately squirts, people will sometimes hurt you in order to make themselves feel better or look better. Can I forgive them for that? Well, sure, 21 years later, I can be the bigger person. In the present, can I forgive someone who treats me this way in order to make themselves feel better? Well, maybe not immediately but I really do try to understand where they are coming from and I may be cranky with them for awhile but I try to let it go if I can understand the root of the problem. Sometimes, maybe they are just having a bad day. Sometimes, at work, maybe it is to cover up their incompetence and save their hide. Your dad is helpful with that as he will kind of shake his head and say "Why are you so worked up about this? Who cares?"
3) I have had someone in my life who repeatedly hurt my feelings until a few years ago. I would constantly take their actions personally and allow myself to be hurt again and again. A few years ago, I had an ephiphany that this person was not treating me badly because of who I was. They were not singling me out and treating me inequitably. I began to understand the way this person thinks and why they act that way. Honestly, because of the level of hurt, it is very difficult to forgive this behavior. However, I can understand where they are coming from and empathize a bit. Did you notice I said until a few years ago? This behavior has not changed but I have changed my reaction to it. Understanding where it is coming from has allowed me to let it go. While it may still sting a bit here and there, I don't get all worked up about it because I truly have this feeling of "It is what it is and I can't change it." This understanding has given me a huge level of peace that I can not articulate to you thoroughly. This peace is the main reason I even chose to post this to you at all. If I could have realized how powerful this was, I would have saved myself a lot of anger, resentment, hurt feelings and probably lots of bars of chocolate. (Squirts - your mom is an emotional eater but we can discuss that on another sleep deprived day) While the behavior was hurting me, it was hurting me more to hold on to my anger and resentment. Once I understood it and could compartmentalize it, I felt so much better.
Ok squirts, as we come to 3:00, I will give you another life lesson that is not so much valuable as it shows my cynicism. Again, since I decided to give this book to you when you are older, it is safe for me to say this as you have probably already learned it. Remember that person who cut you off in traffic above? Unfortunately, sometimes there is no understanding. Sometimes, people are just plain jerks. Sometimes, there is no reason why people are mean to you - they are just plain mean. But, maybe if you can learn that "To forgive is not to forget but to understand" you can get rid of a small percentage of those grudges that you are genetically predisposed to having.
