Hi Squirts!
I have ignored you since Wednesday, huh? THursday you literally kept me up for 24 hours and I was sick. Friday, I recovered by sleeping the whole day. Yesterday and today, we (me and you squirts) were in Minnesota to see Brian play soccer. More on that trip later! I wrote this post to you on 9/13 and thought it would be a nice post for you for today. Then, later, I will tell you all about your first trip to Minnesota.
Another topic weighing on my mind, after forgiveness, is friendship. As you entered my life (or my womb if you prefer), my friends have probably all thought I dropped off the face of the earth. Being sick, I have quit going out, quit answering the phone and just plain ignored my friends. Hopefully, they will forgive me now that I am feeling better. I thought I would tell you about some of the friendships in my life and some things I hope that you will have in your life.
I have learned that we have all sorts of friendships in life. I have deep, long lasting friendships that you probably couldn't pay me enough to sever. (I say probably because, let's face it, with squirts that need clothes, food, education, cars, etc, my priorities may shift and a large sum of cash may be enticing. But, the key to a good friendship is that would forgive me. haha.) I have work friendships that seem to shift with the department I am in or job I am working in. They aren't less important but they seem to be less-long lasting. I have friendships with my family. I have friendships with people that I may not see frequently but you can always pick back up and talk like it has only been 24 hours. I have had friendships that I thought were solid but ended abruptly and left me wondering "What the heck was I supposed to learn from that?" I have casual friendships where I may talk and joke if I run into that person but not necessarily make plans. I think each of these are important and each one is here to teach you something squirts!
Let's think about family. There is a quote along the lines of "Family by chance, friends by choice." Sorry squirts but you can't pick your family. You are stuck with all of us. A long line of us. You may not like us all everyday or anyday but it is what it is, it is family. However, as you get older, I hope that you will be able to branch that family connection into friendships. I don't know that I would say my/your cousin Brandi and I were friends growing up - a 5 year age difference is kind of hard to overcome. But, both being adults, I would say she is my friend now. I still call her my cousin but she is a friend. Relationships change with age too - my aunts are my friends now. But, growing up, I was taught to respect them as they were my elders. They were authority figures - I don't mean that in the sense that they were strict with me but they were figures that provided direction and honestly, wouldn't hesitate to point out I was way out of line. However, now, they are still my elders but they are my friends. And, I have learned that good friends still point out when you are way out of line. I hope you both have family members that become your friends - whether that be aunts, uncles, cousins or whomever. Those people have known you the longest, know your history, know your quirks and guess what? They still love you. And you know what else? They don't ever go away so you might as well embrace them. What is that quote - if you can't beat them, join them? :)
I would say that of my closest 4 friends, 3 are from school. Yep, that is right squirts, your old mom has 2 friends that she has known since kindergarten (1980 if you want the exact date). You know what is great about these types of friendships? You can laugh about stuff that happened in kindergarten (my friend Debbie still lies and says I made her eat paste in Mrs. Austin's kindergarten class) or 2nd grade (my friend Candi told me the moles on her neck was because she was bitten by a vampire and that her grampa was an expert who studied rainbows) or high school (my friend Kim and I went on our senior trip skiing in Colorado. Well, Kim skiied and I tumbled down the mountain.) They can remember my wedding. They can remember sad times. They can remember my miscarriages. They can remember going to parties and having a good time. They can remember why I am holding a certain grudge and tell me "Amen sister, you are so right." They can look me in the eye and say "Hello, reality check, you are so wrong." New friends, while important, don't have that history with you. They have a shorter history. In the interest of full disclosure, there are rough patches in these friendships too. I think Debbie and I went 3 months without speaking in 1993 and had quite a few distant years in the 1995-1999 range (kind of guessing on that one). Candi and I went through a rough patch around 1994 that was totally my fault. Kim and I didn't talk for 10 years! But, when all is said and done, I wish you these exact same friendships - oldies but goodies. They will all remember how I tortured you and side with you that you had the worst mom EVER because that is what friends do - take your side! Even if they are telling you that you are crazy in private, in public, they take your side.
Then, I have a friendship that I want to emulate and I want you to have in your life but it is kind of hard to explain. It is how I hope you form your relationships with my friends - or at least pick one to form it with. That is with Gramma Debbie's best friend Debi D. (hmmm...thinking about this, we will have to figure out what to call her when you squirts are here) First and foremost, Debi D is your Gramma Debbie's bestest friend. (Kids today call it BFF (best friends forever) but kids in your day will probably call it something else. Yeah, I know squirts - that line dates me in the sense that I said "Kids today" and BFF) However, she is always a good friend to me as well. She is great about providing different perspectives on things. I always felt like I could trust her but I know now that if there were things that I was telling her that were harmful to me, she would have blown the whistle on me. She was kind of like a behind the scenes mom. I don't know how else to put it. If I could choose to be one kind of friend, I would choose to be this kind of friend to the squirts of my friends. If I could choose a friend for you, you can be a third generation Debi D friend or, I would choose that you could have that relationship with one of my friends. I will tell you something though squirts (& I don't think Debi D is here reading these so we are safe) - Debi D is not someone you want to screw with. haha. People like her can be your bestest friend but she is stubborn enough and evil enough that you would never wish her to be your enemy. Trust me on this one and don't cross Debi D squirts. It is kind of amazing that I can have many personality traits like her given that we are not genetically linked. Yes, I have traits like your Gramma Debbie and like your Grampa Keith but at a fundamental level, I am very similar to Debi D. Sometimes, she will say exactly what I would have said. Sometimes one of us will say something that other people may secretly think but never say outloud - and the other will agree!! She is stubborn. She is wickedly funny. She is evil. I think she has more tact than I do but I say that comes with age - she has 17 years on me. To be honest, this is really not doing the relationship justice but I just can't put it into words. Maybe this will help explain. I think my friends and family mentioned above would go to great lengths to help me, back me up, and avenge me. But, Debi D (and I think Gramma Debbie did this too) was the one who went up to your dad on our wedding day and threatened him bodily harm if he was ever a jerk to me. Now, that is a true friend - and one that still has your dad shaking in his boots. (No seriously squirts, when I joke with him getting out of line, he will still occasionally come back with "I can't do that because Debi D will kill me.")
I know one of you squirts is a boy and to be honest, I don't know how boy friendships work. We will have to leave that up to your dad to explain someday. I think it has something to do with handshakes, grunts, beer, football and maybe oogling girls. But, bottom line is that male or female, you need the following traits in your friends:
1) Love
2) Kindness
3) Loyalty - Blind loyalty no less. No matter how wrong you are, their loyalty is ALWAYS to you even while they are telling you that you screwed up. Think of it like this: They know you flat out lied to your dear old mom about saying that you were with them the night before. In private, I am sure that you will have chosen friends who said "That is not right to lie to your parents like that. They are way too cool for you to be so disrespectful." However, to me and your dad, they say "Yes, Mr and Mrs Brigham, we sure did go to the movies together last night and had a great time." That is what you want in a good friend.
4) Honesty - even when it is blunt and hurts like a blunt-force trauma
5) Ability to lie when necessary - sounds like a contradiction, huh? Really, sometimes friends need friends to lie. "No, your new buzz haircut looks fine." "No, your butt isn't big, it is just the jeans." "No, ice cream calories don't count for one week after a relationship ends." Again, I don't know what kind of lies boys tell in the spirit of friendship but I bet there are definitely some there. We will let your dad fill us in on this one.
6) History
7) Ability to accept who you are and still like you/love you/care for you.
Oh, and speaking as someone who is starting to think like a parent, I want you to have friends that are GOOD INFLUENCES on you. No crack heads (or whatever they will be called in your day). No punks. No one telling you to ditch school when you are already not doing so hot. No one telling you that you are a loser because you like your parents (haha).
