WOOHOO for no work today. However, we aren't doing anything fun because I am sick. Man, another summer down the to nausea and puking. Unless I am sleeping or eating, I am sick. Sleep comes with difficulty and I can't eat the rest of the time or I won't be able to get myself out the front door for my doctor appointments.
We were going to tell the Lang family today at Aunt Sheila's bbq but I was too miserable to go. Might have to wait until next week at Mark's party. I am going to try to call the doctor and get in before next Tuesday.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
I think it is official...
I can't really ignore this happening anymore! I have to think of a name to call this baby in my blog - peanut and squirt are already taken. I have been tossing around bebe, chere, pipsqueak and kiddo. Maybe next post, I will have made up my mind but I must confess that I am in shock again today kind of like I was on Monday.
I went to see Dr. McBride today and as they were doing an adjustment, they had to use an ultrasound. They took a peek to see if there was a baby in there - I was seriously not sure yet. At the same time, they were doing labs to get my HCG. Well, there is definitely a baby there and there is a heartbeat!! Mark and I couldn't see the machine so we didn't get our sneak peek but we know that we are a bit further along than we had previously anticipated. I was thinking I was 5 w 4 d and the HCG (25000) is showing that we could be anywhere from 3-9 weeks and the heart beat showing up is a minimum of 6 weeks. I guess we will see come June 2 but I don't think that I can pretend it is a dream anymore. I am pregnant - no drugs, no thoughts of having babies, no trying, nothing. Just BLAM - here it is.
I have had to start retraining Mark about just how difficult this motherhood and wombing thing is. He forgot that I shouldn't carry grocery bags or clean or anything so I am having to retrain him :) He forgot that all I am going to do is whine and complain for 7-8 months. He forgot that everytime he looks at me cross, I will say "But, I am carrying your child." haha. Poor guy blocked out the torture that was last summer. He will get back in shape soon.
Healthwise, I am exhausted. I am nauseous. After my doctor visit, my heartburn and reflux went away. Once again, (like my other two pregnancies that lasted longer than a week or 2) I am craving lots of fruit. I am up going to the bathroom again during the night and I am not sleeping well. All of those things add up to me thinking I am further along than I thought but we will wait and see on June 2.
I went to see Dr. McBride today and as they were doing an adjustment, they had to use an ultrasound. They took a peek to see if there was a baby in there - I was seriously not sure yet. At the same time, they were doing labs to get my HCG. Well, there is definitely a baby there and there is a heartbeat!! Mark and I couldn't see the machine so we didn't get our sneak peek but we know that we are a bit further along than we had previously anticipated. I was thinking I was 5 w 4 d and the HCG (25000) is showing that we could be anywhere from 3-9 weeks and the heart beat showing up is a minimum of 6 weeks. I guess we will see come June 2 but I don't think that I can pretend it is a dream anymore. I am pregnant - no drugs, no thoughts of having babies, no trying, nothing. Just BLAM - here it is.
I have had to start retraining Mark about just how difficult this motherhood and wombing thing is. He forgot that I shouldn't carry grocery bags or clean or anything so I am having to retrain him :) He forgot that all I am going to do is whine and complain for 7-8 months. He forgot that everytime he looks at me cross, I will say "But, I am carrying your child." haha. Poor guy blocked out the torture that was last summer. He will get back in shape soon.
Healthwise, I am exhausted. I am nauseous. After my doctor visit, my heartburn and reflux went away. Once again, (like my other two pregnancies that lasted longer than a week or 2) I am craving lots of fruit. I am up going to the bathroom again during the night and I am not sleeping well. All of those things add up to me thinking I am further along than I thought but we will wait and see on June 2.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
36+ hours later...
I am still ... unsettled. It is sinking in and I am talking about it but I don't think I will embrace it until we go to the doctor. Mark is giggling less and is getting more serious about worrying about a loss.
We laughed today how we are reluctant to tell anyone because when we say it was completely unexpected & we were not trying, they will all say "See, when you relax and quit trying, it happens. Should have stopped trying years ago." We also laughed because we sound like teenagers when we say "We only had sex once...how could this happen?" haha.
I think that after the doctor, I will be plunging in head first into being pregnant. I really have talked myself into thinking that if it happened on it's own, the baby is there on the ultrasound, and we get a cerclage in time, we will be safe. I hope that doesn't end up hurting me in the long run but besides taking care of myself, there isn't much I can do to change the outcome of anything. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..."
We laughed today how we are reluctant to tell anyone because when we say it was completely unexpected & we were not trying, they will all say "See, when you relax and quit trying, it happens. Should have stopped trying years ago." We also laughed because we sound like teenagers when we say "We only had sex once...how could this happen?" haha.
I think that after the doctor, I will be plunging in head first into being pregnant. I really have talked myself into thinking that if it happened on it's own, the baby is there on the ultrasound, and we get a cerclage in time, we will be safe. I hope that doesn't end up hurting me in the long run but besides taking care of myself, there isn't much I can do to change the outcome of anything. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..."
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Well, never thought I would be back here....
I never deleted this blog but I also never thought I would be back to it. We did some acupuncture in March/April and I got a little an anxious about trying again. So, we canned the whole thing and decided maybe we would talk about it again in the fall or next year. That was just a delaying tactic on my part - I knew I was done. I had made peace with it. A friend told me she was 13 weeks pregnant - it didn't bother me. Another friend told me Saturday that she was unexpectedly pregnant. No resentment or jealousy on my part. I knew then I was truly at peace.
Fast forward to yesterday when I was telling Mark that I am tired of being sick. I am nauseous, I have heart burn, I have reflux, I am exhausted. We talked about the possibilities and decided that I needed to go to the doctor because I might be having presymptoms of a heart attack. Apparently, they start about a month before an actual attack. I woke up this morning and decided I better take a pregnancy test before I run into the doctor claiming a heart attack. Instantly turned positive. Shocked. Went into my office and stared at the wall. Rehashed the entire stream of events that would have led to this with Debbie. Stared at the wall. Told Mark - he laughed. Stared at the wall. Retested - instantly positive. Stared at the wall. Then, a flurry of activity - calling Cheryl at Dr. Maclin's office, Dr. Bonebrake's office then I stared at the wall the rest of the day. We are guessing that I am really early in the pregnancy - maybe 5 weeks.
It is almost 12 hours later and I am still shocked. It isn't that this baby would not be wanted or loved, it is a combination of two things. 1) I never thought it would happen. I was done thinking about it. 2) I am scared to get attached to another pregnancy that may end in emotional trauma to me. So, I am hesitant to embrace this fully. I always told myself that if we got pregnant "naturally", it was meant to be and it would probably stick. Now that I find myself in that situation, I am still cautious and I don't know if I can take another heartbreak. I am sure that my reserve will be weakened when we go to the doctor but I think until then, I will probably try to ignore the situation as much as possible.
I do have some concerns about the timing. Given that we weren't trying, I wasn't paying attention to what I was eating/drinking/taking. Depending on how far along we are, I may have had 2 nights of drinking - 1 really bad in Vegas. I have taken ambien (I researched that it hasn't harmed any baby rats or rabbits), pepcid, and pepto. But, there is nothing that I can do about that now. The interesting thing is that after Vegas, I went on the wagon and made a conscious effort to not drink. So, I should be pretty safe because we are thinking that we conceived afer that. But, it is interesting in my timing of going on the wagon. I also had an Xray on 5/1 that concerns me. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." I can't change my behavior before I knew but I can change it now.
So, next step is to try to remain calm for TWO WHOLE WEEKS until I go to the doctor. That is a long time to be wondering how far along I am. I am praying it is only like 5 weeks so the drinking and xray are not a factor. But, the impatient part of me is hoping it is longer (no more than 9 weeks) so we can be further along and closer to "safer" territory.
Fast forward to yesterday when I was telling Mark that I am tired of being sick. I am nauseous, I have heart burn, I have reflux, I am exhausted. We talked about the possibilities and decided that I needed to go to the doctor because I might be having presymptoms of a heart attack. Apparently, they start about a month before an actual attack. I woke up this morning and decided I better take a pregnancy test before I run into the doctor claiming a heart attack. Instantly turned positive. Shocked. Went into my office and stared at the wall. Rehashed the entire stream of events that would have led to this with Debbie. Stared at the wall. Told Mark - he laughed. Stared at the wall. Retested - instantly positive. Stared at the wall. Then, a flurry of activity - calling Cheryl at Dr. Maclin's office, Dr. Bonebrake's office then I stared at the wall the rest of the day. We are guessing that I am really early in the pregnancy - maybe 5 weeks.
It is almost 12 hours later and I am still shocked. It isn't that this baby would not be wanted or loved, it is a combination of two things. 1) I never thought it would happen. I was done thinking about it. 2) I am scared to get attached to another pregnancy that may end in emotional trauma to me. So, I am hesitant to embrace this fully. I always told myself that if we got pregnant "naturally", it was meant to be and it would probably stick. Now that I find myself in that situation, I am still cautious and I don't know if I can take another heartbreak. I am sure that my reserve will be weakened when we go to the doctor but I think until then, I will probably try to ignore the situation as much as possible.
I do have some concerns about the timing. Given that we weren't trying, I wasn't paying attention to what I was eating/drinking/taking. Depending on how far along we are, I may have had 2 nights of drinking - 1 really bad in Vegas. I have taken ambien (I researched that it hasn't harmed any baby rats or rabbits), pepcid, and pepto. But, there is nothing that I can do about that now. The interesting thing is that after Vegas, I went on the wagon and made a conscious effort to not drink. So, I should be pretty safe because we are thinking that we conceived afer that. But, it is interesting in my timing of going on the wagon. I also had an Xray on 5/1 that concerns me. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." I can't change my behavior before I knew but I can change it now.
So, next step is to try to remain calm for TWO WHOLE WEEKS until I go to the doctor. That is a long time to be wondering how far along I am. I am praying it is only like 5 weeks so the drinking and xray are not a factor. But, the impatient part of me is hoping it is longer (no more than 9 weeks) so we can be further along and closer to "safer" territory.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Final Update
Hi all! We are home now and *crossing our fingers* infection free. We will be taking it easy over the weekend then life goes back to normal.
I will be leaving the blog up for a short time while I transfer it to a book to be printed. Even though our little squirts are not with us, the book will be a keepsake for us.
Thanks again for all of your support!
I will be leaving the blog up for a short time while I transfer it to a book to be printed. Even though our little squirts are not with us, the book will be a keepsake for us.
Thanks again for all of your support!
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Thursday Update
I am still at the hospital and hoping to come home tomorrow. They wanted to do another round of antibiotics to make sure I was all healed. Right now, I am scheduled to return to work on 11/18 - I was shocked at how long it was!
I have to laugh at Mark's taking over command of my little blog - what would take me 3 pages to write takes him 1 sentence! I would have to say that Tuesday was the worst day of my entire life - physically and emotionally. Between the two babies and the infection, I basically had labor 3 times and drugs only dulled it once. I had 3 OR procedures with 3 anethestics. But, I am feeling better now and I am ready to go home. I thoroughly believe that anesthesia causes hair loss so if you see me in a wig, you will know why and I hope you have the good graces to ignore it :)
Just a bit about our little ones! Jacob was born at 10:45 and he was very similar to Little M. He definitely was a little baby - 10 toes, 10 fingers, arms, legs, etc but he still looked a little alien like. I was drugged up but I swear he looked like he had a little beer belly :) The only other thing I remember is that he had my nose. The hospital did an excellent job of taking photos - lots of clear photos of him, his little feet, him holding a little heart pillow.
While it was unfortunate that I was not drugged up for Xander, it was a blessing in the sense that I remember him more clearly. He was so darn cute! I could definitely see both Mark and me in him. He had my nose (apparently, my nose is predominant in our kids - all 3 had it) and in the pictures, it sure did look like he had Mark's mouth. He was really the first one that I held for an extended period of time and examined because he was the first one that was truly like a baby. While he didn't look like a Gerber baby, he also didn't look like an alien! He had long legs and arms, large hands and feet, I could move his chin and open his mouth. I triple checked for a butt chin but I firmly believe that those are not truly indented until later in the process! He was also the first one that the clothing fit on - he had a hat and robe and they had a little knit blanket for him. Our little Xander was alive when he was born and I actually got to hold him while he was moving. He was baptised and he stayed with Mark for a long time when I was in the OR. While we don't know how long - it is all a blur for Mark, I feel blessed in knowing that he died with his daddy and not necessarily by himself.
We are unsure what we are going to do with the babies from here. We are either going to move Little M and put them all together at Westlawn or we are going to talk to St John and move all 3 there. Since our plots are already purchased there - next to Larry & mom - I would like the 5 of us to be together. We will work through that next week. We will do something private with just us two and we were thinking of calling the Father who did Bob's service to come say a prayer with us.
Thanks to all of you who have called, emailed, left comments on here, visited and sent flowers. We appreciate all of your love and support. Even though we are not good at sharing our grief with others, it helps to know that we have support available when we need it. I have a feeling that the worst is yet to come for me as I get home so I will rely on my friends and family for movies, margaritas and mozzarella cheese sticks :)
Crossing fingers to be home in the morning!
I have to laugh at Mark's taking over command of my little blog - what would take me 3 pages to write takes him 1 sentence! I would have to say that Tuesday was the worst day of my entire life - physically and emotionally. Between the two babies and the infection, I basically had labor 3 times and drugs only dulled it once. I had 3 OR procedures with 3 anethestics. But, I am feeling better now and I am ready to go home. I thoroughly believe that anesthesia causes hair loss so if you see me in a wig, you will know why and I hope you have the good graces to ignore it :)
Just a bit about our little ones! Jacob was born at 10:45 and he was very similar to Little M. He definitely was a little baby - 10 toes, 10 fingers, arms, legs, etc but he still looked a little alien like. I was drugged up but I swear he looked like he had a little beer belly :) The only other thing I remember is that he had my nose. The hospital did an excellent job of taking photos - lots of clear photos of him, his little feet, him holding a little heart pillow.
While it was unfortunate that I was not drugged up for Xander, it was a blessing in the sense that I remember him more clearly. He was so darn cute! I could definitely see both Mark and me in him. He had my nose (apparently, my nose is predominant in our kids - all 3 had it) and in the pictures, it sure did look like he had Mark's mouth. He was really the first one that I held for an extended period of time and examined because he was the first one that was truly like a baby. While he didn't look like a Gerber baby, he also didn't look like an alien! He had long legs and arms, large hands and feet, I could move his chin and open his mouth. I triple checked for a butt chin but I firmly believe that those are not truly indented until later in the process! He was also the first one that the clothing fit on - he had a hat and robe and they had a little knit blanket for him. Our little Xander was alive when he was born and I actually got to hold him while he was moving. He was baptised and he stayed with Mark for a long time when I was in the OR. While we don't know how long - it is all a blur for Mark, I feel blessed in knowing that he died with his daddy and not necessarily by himself.
We are unsure what we are going to do with the babies from here. We are either going to move Little M and put them all together at Westlawn or we are going to talk to St John and move all 3 there. Since our plots are already purchased there - next to Larry & mom - I would like the 5 of us to be together. We will work through that next week. We will do something private with just us two and we were thinking of calling the Father who did Bob's service to come say a prayer with us.
Thanks to all of you who have called, emailed, left comments on here, visited and sent flowers. We appreciate all of your love and support. Even though we are not good at sharing our grief with others, it helps to know that we have support available when we need it. I have a feeling that the worst is yet to come for me as I get home so I will rely on my friends and family for movies, margaritas and mozzarella cheese sticks :)
Crossing fingers to be home in the morning!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
The end of the Journey
Late last night we unfortunately came to the end of this wonderful journey. I am sorry to have to be the bearer of bad news, but Stacy developed an infection last night and we lost Xander. All is well with Stacy, but we are going to ask that people hold off coming up till later tonight because they are going to give Stacy medicine to sleep.
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