I never deleted this blog but I also never thought I would be back to it. We did some acupuncture in March/April and I got a little an anxious about trying again. So, we canned the whole thing and decided maybe we would talk about it again in the fall or next year. That was just a delaying tactic on my part - I knew I was done. I had made peace with it. A friend told me she was 13 weeks pregnant - it didn't bother me. Another friend told me Saturday that she was unexpectedly pregnant. No resentment or jealousy on my part. I knew then I was truly at peace.
Fast forward to yesterday when I was telling Mark that I am tired of being sick. I am nauseous, I have heart burn, I have reflux, I am exhausted. We talked about the possibilities and decided that I needed to go to the doctor because I might be having presymptoms of a heart attack. Apparently, they start about a month before an actual attack. I woke up this morning and decided I better take a pregnancy test before I run into the doctor claiming a heart attack. Instantly turned positive. Shocked. Went into my office and stared at the wall. Rehashed the entire stream of events that would have led to this with Debbie. Stared at the wall. Told Mark - he laughed. Stared at the wall. Retested - instantly positive. Stared at the wall. Then, a flurry of activity - calling Cheryl at Dr. Maclin's office, Dr. Bonebrake's office then I stared at the wall the rest of the day. We are guessing that I am really early in the pregnancy - maybe 5 weeks.
It is almost 12 hours later and I am still shocked. It isn't that this baby would not be wanted or loved, it is a combination of two things. 1) I never thought it would happen. I was done thinking about it. 2) I am scared to get attached to another pregnancy that may end in emotional trauma to me. So, I am hesitant to embrace this fully. I always told myself that if we got pregnant "naturally", it was meant to be and it would probably stick. Now that I find myself in that situation, I am still cautious and I don't know if I can take another heartbreak. I am sure that my reserve will be weakened when we go to the doctor but I think until then, I will probably try to ignore the situation as much as possible.
I do have some concerns about the timing. Given that we weren't trying, I wasn't paying attention to what I was eating/drinking/taking. Depending on how far along we are, I may have had 2 nights of drinking - 1 really bad in Vegas. I have taken ambien (I researched that it hasn't harmed any baby rats or rabbits), pepcid, and pepto. But, there is nothing that I can do about that now. The interesting thing is that after Vegas, I went on the wagon and made a conscious effort to not drink. So, I should be pretty safe because we are thinking that we conceived afer that. But, it is interesting in my timing of going on the wagon. I also had an Xray on 5/1 that concerns me. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." I can't change my behavior before I knew but I can change it now.
So, next step is to try to remain calm for TWO WHOLE WEEKS until I go to the doctor. That is a long time to be wondering how far along I am. I am praying it is only like 5 weeks so the drinking and xray are not a factor. But, the impatient part of me is hoping it is longer (no more than 9 weeks) so we can be further along and closer to "safer" territory.
