Hi Kiddo! I had kind of an enlightening evening yesterday and figured I would share it with you. I typically listen for you on our heart rate monitor about every other day. I was starting to get a bit nervous because I have only been able to "find" you one time. However, I found you last night and a big smile of relief just came on my face. Hearing you was like music to my ears. Every time I thought about that little noise, I broke out into a big grin. I do my best thinking right before I go to sleep. Most of the things I want to tell you about are cooked up in that time then I write them the next day. But, last night, I had a big moment where I said "UH-OH."
OK, so here is what I expected to happen when you were born. I figured you would pop out and I would be overcome with this rush of love that was so large, I had nothing to compare it to. I figured you would inspire me to tell you how much I love you about 50 times a day - and maybe even be able to tell that to others I love since I can't do it today. (Side Note: The inability to say I love you is a deeply-rooted psychological issue that probably can only be cured by intensive therapy & electric shock treatment. I say that in jest but it may lean towards being true!) But, I also figured I would be strict with you and have to be the disciplinarian. I fear that you will have your dad wrapped around your finger in no time flat so it will fall on me to be the fun-sucker. However, I realized last night that this probably won't be the case at all. If you can inspire me to grin like a fool all night long just by hearing your heartbeat, how am I going to resist you when you look at me and say "Mama" for the first time? How will I resist a big smile and a "Mommy please?" I fear I won't be able to and then we are in trouble!! :)
See, your mom had always thought she would be a selfish mom. Oh, sure, I would love you but I would be immune to your charm and still be able to be strict with you. When I was growing up, I was told repeatedly how selfish I was and eventually, just believed that it must be true. Even as an adult, I figured that the reason that we couldn't have babies was because I wouldn't make a good mom because I was too selfish to put your needs before mine. But, it has taken me a lot of years to learn that I am not completely selfish. I am self-centric, yes - I want to know how something impacts me or what is in it for me. But, I have a big heart for causes that I care about. Animals tear at my heart. Child abuse tears at my heart. People who are hungry or cold tear at my heart. I no longer think that I will be a selfish mom. I am at a place where I think I will be a darn good mom once you get here - how could I not be when I know that you are going to make my heart soar when I see you?
OK, that was a lot of mushy stuff for you. All that love talk and being wrapped around your finger. We won't share that with you until you are an adult so you don't think you have the upper hand in our relationship - even if you do :) Just know, that despite that mushy stuff, you still have to be a good, respectful, well-mannered child. Even though I may love you to pieces, my pride will not allow you to be known as a rotten kid. So, when I drug you with pet store medicine or swat you for being rotten, you will know that it is all done with the utmost love and concern for your well-being. At least I say that now when I am talking a big talk! But, will I be able to follow through when you get here? We will see!
