Hi kiddo! I feel like I have a novel to tell you about this so I may have to break it up into multiple parts but sorry, your mom has a darn lot to say. :) In April, I started a book club with friends of mine. The last 2 months, we have read religiously themed books and it made me start to think about you and how I want to raise you. So, bear with me but I do think there are some jewels of wisdom in my thoughts - but, then again I always think everything I say is a jewel of wisdom. HOWEVER, I think this is something you should read when you are older. No bedtime stories coming from this post. :)
Your dad and I were both raised without religion in our lives/families. It was kind of difficult growing up because most of my friends and kids in the neighborhood were raised in homes that went to church. I always felt like I was missing something because I didn't know what they were talking about. Occasionally, I would go to church (almost always Catholic) with friends and always felt silly that I didn't know the words to recite. I taught myself the Lord's Prayer so I could recite at least that. Then, I started worrying that I would go to "hell" because I didn't believe in God. I started praying - even not knowing who or what I was praying to - just to cover my bases so I wouldn't be in "trouble" if God was really there. Eventually, I did start to believe and now, I truly am a believer. I don't necessarily follow the beliefs of organized religion but I do believe in God. If I go to church, I would go to Catholic Mass.
Before I tell you more of why I am now a believer, I want to tell you how I hope we will raise you. I really would like to raise you in a church where you can learn about God. I want you to pray and believe in God but maybe not necessarily a Catholic God. I want you to be spiritual but I want you to be able to form your own beliefs without being forced to believe what an organized religion tells you is the truth. I think that this will force your dad & I to attend church so you can go to Bible School and part of me would really like to send you to Catholic grade school but that decision will come later. Again, it isn't that I want you to be a Catholic when you grow up, I just want you to have a foundation to make your own decision on. I hope that you can go to school and come home and discuss these matters with us and form your own thoughts.
So, now, you are probably asking yourself why I believe in God if I didn't really go to church or learn about God in a formal way. I was baptized Catholic so I always called myself a Catholic - even without formal education. Your dad and I wanted to join a church and possibly start the adoption process. We ended up going through RCIA in 1998/1999 at a Catholic Church. I was confirmed and your dad was baptized/confirmed. During that process, I had a big struggle trying to wade through what they were telling me and what I believed. Each night when I prayed, I would pray for faith. One night, out of the blue, this voice came to me strong and clear - "You pray and talk to me every night so why don't you think you have faith?" It wasn't my own voice but it was in my head. I just don't know how to explain it except to tell you, from my heart, that I thought it was God talking to me. During that same RCIA, I started struggling with the teachings of the Church on abortion. I was very pro-choice - I don't think it is up to me to make choices for others and I really hated the Church trying to shove their views down on me - even if I could understand their position. One night, I was praying for us to get pregnant and have a baby. That same voice came to me and said "How can you ask me for a baby but believe in abortion?" It really shocked me to the core of my beliefs. With our history, there is no way that I could ever have an abortion. However, what I have learned with my old age is that it is not my place to judge what someone else does. Ultimately, they have to make their peace with God's judgement - not mine. So, I still vote pro-choice and I still support someone's right to make their own choices over their bodies (even assisted suicide) but I leave any of the moral consequences up to God.
There were two things that happened to me in 2003 that also solidified my faith. One of them, you can read about in your brothers' book. It was when I felt a hand on my shoulder after I delivered Little M. The second one is so personal but I will share it with you because I really want to demonstrate where my faith comes from. After Little M was born early, your mom was a mess. It was probably part hormonal, part grief and part depression. One night, your dad was sound asleep and I lay in bed sobbing like a crazy woman. I just couldn't understand why God would take my baby away. I didn't understand what I had done so wrong to deserve this. I was praying like crazy that if I couldn't have babies, then it wasn't worth it for me to be here - I wanted God to take me and reunite me with my baby in Heaven. I think I even actually screamed at God telling him to give me one good reason why I should be here - what was my purpose without babies? All of a sudden, your dad stopped snoring and said "I love you." Then, he instantly started snoring again. I don't know if that was God also telling me he loved me or if your dad was my reason for being but it instantly snapped me out of my rage and I calmed down.
Finally, I believe that God communicates to me in dreams. One night, I had a terribly graphic dream about domestic violence. I woke up very shaken and it immediately came to me that I needed to volunteer at the YWCA. I became a hotline volunteer and worked there administratively. While I wasn't a lifelong volunteer, I think God pointed me to it because he knew my soul needed it and he was right. I also dreamt one night that Little M was sitting in the arms of God and that was reassuring to me. I had a few years where I would always dream about school. I think God was telling me to start working on my MBA to take my mind off our fertility issues. It did take my mind off of it and the dreams stopped - even though I haven't finished it yet. Most recently, I think that God has talked to me through Grampa Larry & Great Grampa Bill. In my second "conversation" with Larry, he said that I really needed to find my faith and even said "Go in God's shadow and Grace will follow." Those words were so ingrained into my brain that they did not disappear when I woke up. I think about them often. When Grampa Bill died, I dreamt about him the night of the funeral. Faith also played a part in that. At the end of my dream, Bill introduced me to some of his friends who were reading a book about God. His friends told me that I needed to find my faith. The next day, I tried to find the book that I saw in my dream. I don't think that I ended up finding the exact same one but when I did some searching, I found a book called "The Things I Learned on the way to Heaven" and the coloring of the cover was the exact same as in my dream. If those aren't subtle-as-a-nuclear-bomb hints that God is looking for me and our relationship, I don't know what could be any clearer.
I hope that my experiences will give you a little bit of a foundation to begin thinking about God. However, I really want you to find your own experiences to build your views on. I just want to give you the stepping stone to get there!
I think I will break this up into 2 parts because I would really like to tell you about the books we read and how they are helping to shape my thoughts and what I want to communicate to you.
