Hi Joey,
You are killing us, just killing us! As I type this, you are on another 48 hours of no food and you are a fussy pants because you are hungry. But, you sure are cute when you are sleeping :)
After I posted last, we did come up and visit you again on Father's Day. We ended up having quite a heated discussion and it was the first time we have really gone against the medical team. You had blown your IV and they couldn't find a place to put a new one. Daddy walked in and they had 4 nurses holding you down looking for somewhere. That pushed daddy over the edge and he lost it :) Luckily, we won that argument (after they called in a dr to come in from home) and you did not get poked again. We upped your formula and you were IV free. Gramma Debbie stayed the night with you while we spent some time with Elijah.
On Monday, it was status quo - just trying to get you to eat as much as possible. We are trying a new schedule where I hang out with you from 8:30 - 5:30 then I grab Elijah while you hang out with daddy until 7:00 or so. We feel like we get to cuddle with you a lot then hang out with Elijah too.
On Tuesday, I was disappointed when I walked in because you stopped eating again. When daddy came at noon, he said he did not think you were feeling well at all. We finally talked the dr into changing your formula to the allergenic mix - which is what we wanted you put on Saturday. We thought your tummy was upset and that is why you quit eating. He agreed and you perked up by 3. However, daddy changed your diaper and there was blood again. Daddy was mad because he thought they should have listened to us on Saturday. I was not surprised as I was expecting it. But, it is a large set back - another 48 hours of testing and no food. The dr apologized for not listening to us and all of your tests are pointing towards the fact that you have a food allergy. When you get the formula, it irritates your tummy or bowels so they bleed. We just didn't get you switched fast enough to get ahead of it.
Since you needed an IV again, they decided to do a pic catheter instead. This is an IV that goes into your veins a lot further so that you can't blow it or pull it out. It was the best decision but, unfortunately, they had to stick you for 2 hours to get it to work. It was very difficult on us knowing that you were in so much pain. When they were finally done, we cuddled you and all the spirit was gone from you. You just gave up fighting because you were being tortured so much. It killed us buddy. It kills us that you are going through so much pain and there is nothing that we can do about it except love you up afterwards. We really wish there was something we could do to take the pain away from you.
As of now, you will have labs and xrays done again for 24 hours. Then, once you hit 48 hours, they are going to do another test to make sure that all of your insides are formed OK so we can rule that out and be even more sure that it is a food allergy. Once that is clear, we can resume feedings with the special formula and hope that your diapers are free from blood. We are so hopeful that this is going to be the round where you are eating normal, you are not having discomfort and you have no more blood. If that isn't the case, I think you will see us both more devastated than we have ever been.
On a positive note, the dr was completely impressed by your neck control. You raise your head up and look around so intently. He thought that was very mature for your age :)
I was going to leave you with some photos but the internet won't let me so I will have to share next time. We love you buddy!
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Father's Day
Hi Joey!
As I type this, you are still in the 3rd floor NICU hanging out with your daddy & I am home with your brother. We have had a rough few days after your scare. We had 48 hours of you not getting any food and you were a fussy pants because you were hungry! We just tried to love you up as much as possible and get you through the crying stages.
Once you got cleared for food, you chugged 2 bottles of 20 cc immediately. After that, you slowed down a bit. You were kind of fidgety and gassy. By the 4th bottle, you slept through it and we were really nervous. You ate 10 then they put your feeding tube back in. I have to be honest with you buddy, I lost hope at that point. When you quit eating, I resigned myself to the fact that you were going to be in the NICU for 18 years. :) When I woke up, daddy happily reported that you had 3 feedings of 30 and you chugged them down. So, I got a few more inklings of hope that you were doing OK. We are waiting for the dr to do rounds and decide what your plan will be for today. The dr had told us yesterday he expected you to progress from this point and be home mid-week but I am too scared to get my hopes up!
I have to keep it real with you buddy. You being there and Elijah being elsewhere is really hard on your daddy and me. If we are spending time with Elijah, we are feeling guilty that you are laying there alone in your crib in the NICU. If we are spending time with you, we are feeling guilty that Elijah is being left alone without his mommy & daddy. It is hard to get that time equal. I can tell that Elijah is having a hard time of things. He is very clingy, he is throwing tantrums and needs us too. I worry that your first two weeks of life in the NICU is going to impact all your attachments and bonding for the rest of your life. I know, I am silly and I think too much but all of these worries are in my mind and I just want you home :)
In all of this turmoil, I did get some good photos of you this week. Here is one of them.
As I type this, you are still in the 3rd floor NICU hanging out with your daddy & I am home with your brother. We have had a rough few days after your scare. We had 48 hours of you not getting any food and you were a fussy pants because you were hungry! We just tried to love you up as much as possible and get you through the crying stages.
Once you got cleared for food, you chugged 2 bottles of 20 cc immediately. After that, you slowed down a bit. You were kind of fidgety and gassy. By the 4th bottle, you slept through it and we were really nervous. You ate 10 then they put your feeding tube back in. I have to be honest with you buddy, I lost hope at that point. When you quit eating, I resigned myself to the fact that you were going to be in the NICU for 18 years. :) When I woke up, daddy happily reported that you had 3 feedings of 30 and you chugged them down. So, I got a few more inklings of hope that you were doing OK. We are waiting for the dr to do rounds and decide what your plan will be for today. The dr had told us yesterday he expected you to progress from this point and be home mid-week but I am too scared to get my hopes up!
I have to keep it real with you buddy. You being there and Elijah being elsewhere is really hard on your daddy and me. If we are spending time with Elijah, we are feeling guilty that you are laying there alone in your crib in the NICU. If we are spending time with you, we are feeling guilty that Elijah is being left alone without his mommy & daddy. It is hard to get that time equal. I can tell that Elijah is having a hard time of things. He is very clingy, he is throwing tantrums and needs us too. I worry that your first two weeks of life in the NICU is going to impact all your attachments and bonding for the rest of your life. I know, I am silly and I think too much but all of these worries are in my mind and I just want you home :)
In all of this turmoil, I did get some good photos of you this week. Here is one of them.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Thursday scare
Dear Joey,
Today was one of the hardest of my life. Definitely the hardest since I have become a mommy. I have been a bit down about your nicu stay and each day was getting harder. Each day, I would cry at your crib because I feel so horrible that you are spending your first week of life in a crib in a sterile hospital environment. But, today made all that feel like a walk in the park.
I had a dr. Appt to do my follow up on my surgery. I thought my appt was at 8:30 and it really was at 8. When I got done, I went to the nicu to love you up and was happily asking the nurses how my boy did at his feeding. I looked over at your spot and you were gone. I said "oh, my boy isn't here." at that minute, I honestly thought they had taken you for your circumcision. but, the nurses got a huge look of panic on their face and I knew something was seriously wrong. They looked so nervous and finally told me that you were in the 3rd floor nicu. You had a lot of blood in your diaper.
I was in shock. I was in tears on the way to the elevator and just trying to stay calm. When I got down here, 3 nurses were working on you getting you prepped for an iv, blood draw and X-ray. I texted your daddy and told him what I knew. I couldn't hold the tears back anymore. They asked me to leave the room for the X-ray and I was uncontrollably crying.
When i came back, the dr used words like "possibly life threatening" and "worst case scenario." He used a lot of big words that I didn't understand. What I did walk away with was the fact that something was wrong with you. It could be fatal or it could be the flu.
After we got all the news and the results that your initial set of tests were ok, you started getting fussy. For the first time in a week, you were hungry and you wanted to eat. We got you calmed down so you could sleep for awhile. As I type this, your 2nd X-ray looks good and we are waiting for more lab work tomorrow morning. We are on a 48 hour hold.
In the past, I could empathize with people who had kids with medical problems. Now, I am living this nightmare. You are so helpless. We went from a few more days of working on feeding to a life threatening incident. There is nothing I can do. There is no song lullaby that is going to make this go away. You have wiggled your way into my heart and now I am watching you digress in your healing.
All during your pregnancy, I took your health for granted. I never could have imagined this happening to us. Now, I would give absolutely anything - including my own health - to stuff you back in and give you two more weeks of baking time. If they told me what sacrifices I had to make to keep you safe and get you healthy, there is absolutely nothing that they could ask of me that would be too great. I probably thought that about Elijah but we were never presented with a situation like this to test how much I meant it. I can tell you from every fiber of my being that I know without a doubt that it is true.
In the past week, I have gone from being a miserable pregnant chic to being a mom of 2. I already love you so much that it kills me to see you in here. Please keep fighting my little one so that we can go home and start our lives together.
Love, your mommy
Today was one of the hardest of my life. Definitely the hardest since I have become a mommy. I have been a bit down about your nicu stay and each day was getting harder. Each day, I would cry at your crib because I feel so horrible that you are spending your first week of life in a crib in a sterile hospital environment. But, today made all that feel like a walk in the park.
I had a dr. Appt to do my follow up on my surgery. I thought my appt was at 8:30 and it really was at 8. When I got done, I went to the nicu to love you up and was happily asking the nurses how my boy did at his feeding. I looked over at your spot and you were gone. I said "oh, my boy isn't here." at that minute, I honestly thought they had taken you for your circumcision. but, the nurses got a huge look of panic on their face and I knew something was seriously wrong. They looked so nervous and finally told me that you were in the 3rd floor nicu. You had a lot of blood in your diaper.
I was in shock. I was in tears on the way to the elevator and just trying to stay calm. When I got down here, 3 nurses were working on you getting you prepped for an iv, blood draw and X-ray. I texted your daddy and told him what I knew. I couldn't hold the tears back anymore. They asked me to leave the room for the X-ray and I was uncontrollably crying.
When i came back, the dr used words like "possibly life threatening" and "worst case scenario." He used a lot of big words that I didn't understand. What I did walk away with was the fact that something was wrong with you. It could be fatal or it could be the flu.
After we got all the news and the results that your initial set of tests were ok, you started getting fussy. For the first time in a week, you were hungry and you wanted to eat. We got you calmed down so you could sleep for awhile. As I type this, your 2nd X-ray looks good and we are waiting for more lab work tomorrow morning. We are on a 48 hour hold.
In the past, I could empathize with people who had kids with medical problems. Now, I am living this nightmare. You are so helpless. We went from a few more days of working on feeding to a life threatening incident. There is nothing I can do. There is no song lullaby that is going to make this go away. You have wiggled your way into my heart and now I am watching you digress in your healing.
All during your pregnancy, I took your health for granted. I never could have imagined this happening to us. Now, I would give absolutely anything - including my own health - to stuff you back in and give you two more weeks of baking time. If they told me what sacrifices I had to make to keep you safe and get you healthy, there is absolutely nothing that they could ask of me that would be too great. I probably thought that about Elijah but we were never presented with a situation like this to test how much I meant it. I can tell you from every fiber of my being that I know without a doubt that it is true.
In the past week, I have gone from being a miserable pregnant chic to being a mom of 2. I already love you so much that it kills me to see you in here. Please keep fighting my little one so that we can go home and start our lives together.
Love, your mommy
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Wednesday update
Hi Baby!
Well buddy, I think mommy is going to be a little down in this post. Today has taken quite a toll on your mom and dad. When we were downstairs in the 3rd floor NICU, we talked to the dr and we were going along the lines of you coming home on Wednesday. As Monday came and went, we adjusted those expectations to be a cautiously optimistic Friday but a really hopeful by end of the weekend. We knew you would have to eat great for 48 hours before you could come home. Yesterday, you ate so well. You were even up to 60! The first 30 were going by really quickly before you pooped out. Well, today, you have just been so sleepy and tired that you have either skipped your feedings or just done 5-15. We made backwards progress.
This has really taken the wind out of our sails. I can just look at your daddy and know he is drained. I know I am emotionally drained and still dealing with some physical recovery issues. We just pray so hard that you are getting better and able to come home soon. But, I think we now realize that we can't have dates in our head. We have to just accept that you are going to be here as long as you are going to be here. I think that all 3 of us need a day to feel "normal" so I may go home for Friday night to spend with your daddy & your brother. We know you are well taken care of up here but I still feel guilty about leaving you all by yourself.
We are having a very difficult time wrapping our brains around the treatment plan that you are on. We try to keep telling ourselves that the doctors are the ones with years of experience and medical training but it isn't making us feel any better. You are woken up on a schedule - 12, 3, 6, 9. Your diaper is changed, your vitals are taken and your temperature is taken. If you wake up through that, you are given a bottle to try to eat. Whatever you don't eat, you are given in your tube. If you sleep through that, you are given 90 cc in your tube. No matter what, every 3 hours, you receive 90cc of food. Your daddy and I just can't understand why we wouldn't skip the tube feeding so you would be awake and want to eat. Right now, you don't have to even work for it because it just appears in your tummy. We know that if you don't eat enough, you can't keep your blood sugars regulated and we also know that they don't want you to lose much weight. However, that is kind of odd to us too - you were an overweight baby so it seems logical that dropping 1-2 lbs would be healthy for you. Who knows the answers but the doctor told your daddy that this is the widely accepted norm for the treatment plan and when they have deviated from it, the results have not been favorable. So, we have to trust that you are on the right course but in your own time. As you can tell by the tone and the tears you saw at your bed this afternoon, knowing that it is the right course doesn't make it the easiest course to follow.
I do have some photos for you though! Even though we are in the hospital and NICU, I have been good about getting your photo everyday since you were born :)
Yesterday - chunky monkey photo while I was trying to get a burp out of you.
Today - some cutie patootie shots of you in your NICU bed.
Well buddy, I think mommy is going to be a little down in this post. Today has taken quite a toll on your mom and dad. When we were downstairs in the 3rd floor NICU, we talked to the dr and we were going along the lines of you coming home on Wednesday. As Monday came and went, we adjusted those expectations to be a cautiously optimistic Friday but a really hopeful by end of the weekend. We knew you would have to eat great for 48 hours before you could come home. Yesterday, you ate so well. You were even up to 60! The first 30 were going by really quickly before you pooped out. Well, today, you have just been so sleepy and tired that you have either skipped your feedings or just done 5-15. We made backwards progress.
This has really taken the wind out of our sails. I can just look at your daddy and know he is drained. I know I am emotionally drained and still dealing with some physical recovery issues. We just pray so hard that you are getting better and able to come home soon. But, I think we now realize that we can't have dates in our head. We have to just accept that you are going to be here as long as you are going to be here. I think that all 3 of us need a day to feel "normal" so I may go home for Friday night to spend with your daddy & your brother. We know you are well taken care of up here but I still feel guilty about leaving you all by yourself.
We are having a very difficult time wrapping our brains around the treatment plan that you are on. We try to keep telling ourselves that the doctors are the ones with years of experience and medical training but it isn't making us feel any better. You are woken up on a schedule - 12, 3, 6, 9. Your diaper is changed, your vitals are taken and your temperature is taken. If you wake up through that, you are given a bottle to try to eat. Whatever you don't eat, you are given in your tube. If you sleep through that, you are given 90 cc in your tube. No matter what, every 3 hours, you receive 90cc of food. Your daddy and I just can't understand why we wouldn't skip the tube feeding so you would be awake and want to eat. Right now, you don't have to even work for it because it just appears in your tummy. We know that if you don't eat enough, you can't keep your blood sugars regulated and we also know that they don't want you to lose much weight. However, that is kind of odd to us too - you were an overweight baby so it seems logical that dropping 1-2 lbs would be healthy for you. Who knows the answers but the doctor told your daddy that this is the widely accepted norm for the treatment plan and when they have deviated from it, the results have not been favorable. So, we have to trust that you are on the right course but in your own time. As you can tell by the tone and the tears you saw at your bed this afternoon, knowing that it is the right course doesn't make it the easiest course to follow.
I do have some photos for you though! Even though we are in the hospital and NICU, I have been good about getting your photo everyday since you were born :)
Yesterday - chunky monkey photo while I was trying to get a burp out of you.
Today - some cutie patootie shots of you in your NICU bed.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Tuesday update
Hi Mr. Joseph!
We have had some progress since I wrote you last. You are now off all lab testing - all your blood numbers, sugar numbers, jaundice numbers, etc are all fine. All you are here for is food. We need you to eat 3 oz at each feeding for about 48 hours before you can go home. You at about 1 oz with me at 6 am and 1.5 oz with the nurse at 9 am but then you slept through the 12 pm feeding all together. Whatever you don't physically eat from a bottle goes into your tube.
You are getting so darn cute! Your yellow tinge is going away. Your swelling is going down. You will still open your peeper and dart your eyes around at everything. When people talk to you, you will turn your head to see them. We think your eyes are going to be blue like Elijah's. They are lightening up but there is no way to tell since you don't have them open that much.
You love being swaddled tight and you love being in the swing. I told daddy he has to get your swings put together pronto :) You also like being cuddled up on our chest and taking your naps after you eat. I just can't wait to have you at home with us. I am hoping that you will be there by the end of the weekend.
Now, I can finally get you some photos posted. I went to do it a few days ago and the internet was down.
One of your first birth photos. You were still getting cleaned up in the operating room. I can't wait to post this to next one of your brother because they are identical - just a little more stuffing in your cheeks :)
Relatively-new-to-the-world photo. We sent this one out to everyone letting them know you were here!
We have had some progress since I wrote you last. You are now off all lab testing - all your blood numbers, sugar numbers, jaundice numbers, etc are all fine. All you are here for is food. We need you to eat 3 oz at each feeding for about 48 hours before you can go home. You at about 1 oz with me at 6 am and 1.5 oz with the nurse at 9 am but then you slept through the 12 pm feeding all together. Whatever you don't physically eat from a bottle goes into your tube.
You are getting so darn cute! Your yellow tinge is going away. Your swelling is going down. You will still open your peeper and dart your eyes around at everything. When people talk to you, you will turn your head to see them. We think your eyes are going to be blue like Elijah's. They are lightening up but there is no way to tell since you don't have them open that much.
You love being swaddled tight and you love being in the swing. I told daddy he has to get your swings put together pronto :) You also like being cuddled up on our chest and taking your naps after you eat. I just can't wait to have you at home with us. I am hoping that you will be there by the end of the weekend.
Now, I can finally get you some photos posted. I went to do it a few days ago and the internet was down.
One of your first birth photos. You were still getting cleaned up in the operating room. I can't wait to post this to next one of your brother because they are identical - just a little more stuffing in your cheeks :)
Relatively-new-to-the-world photo. We sent this one out to everyone letting them know you were here!
Day 2 of your life. Look how long those nails were!
My first time getting to see my boy!
Day 3 - first bath and your first feeding with Daddy! I love those pictures with daddy. He just looks at you with so much love!
Gramma Debbie sent us this photo. I love your little face. I can't tell if you are crying or smiling at having your cheeks pinched :)
Day 4 - Big day - you got to meet Elijah through the NICU window! Our first photos as a family. You also got to meet your cousin Andrew!
6/13 - This is you after you ate a bottle. I was playing with you to make faces with your lips. :)
Saturday, June 11, 2011
You are here!
Well, little Joey, our exclusive time together is over and now we begin our life together as a family. You are here. As I type this, you have been in the world about 60 hours and I am in my hospital room & you are in the NICU. It is hard with you being in the NICU but we will get to that!
On Wednesday, I thought I felt some gushes of fluid and I had a lot of contractions. I thought for sure that Thursday would be the day because of the amniotic fluid. You moved SO much buddy. I think you only slept for about 2 hours and I assume that is because you knew that you were going to come out the next day. It was bittersweet - I was uncomfortable but I knew that each movement was getting closer to being the last one. Daddy and I packed our hospital bag and said our prayers that you were healthy.
At my appointment on Thursday, I gained almost 3 pounds again and that was kind of concerning with the pre-eclampsia. We did an ultrasound and you were weighing 10.5 lbs. Daddy and I were shocked as we were expecting 9. We just looked at each other and didn't even know what to say. He checked my cervix and the fluid I felt was NOT amniotic fluid and my cervix was still perfect. He told me to get dressed and daddy said it looked like I was going to cry because I was so disappointed. After I got dressed, he started looking at my sugars (they were actually good for once) and my proteins. I guess between my massive headache and my protein dip, it was enough to merit you being here so he said "Do you want to have a baby today?" Of course, I jumped on the chance to meet you!
We were wheeled over to the L&D section of the hospital and we were told that you would not be able to be born for 6-8 hours as I had drank a protein shake for breakfast. I couldn't go into the OR with food in my tummy. Daddy and I just looked at each other like "What the heck are we going to do for 6-8 hours?" As we got settled in, they came back at 10:50 and said "OK, we are cleared to go at 11:15." We both got super nervous. Here we were prepared for you to be another 6-8 hours and then got told we would be going in 25 minutes! We didn't end up going until noon and I have to admit, I was super nervous. It is one thing to think about having you & it was another thing to actually have you. I was also super nervous about the spinal block. But, that was a piece of cake! I just laid really still and got a shot and it was over.
While we were getting ready to go, I had my first of several emotional breakdowns. As I was all positioned for my spinal block, you were still moving all over and it made me very, very emotional. This was the last time in my life I was going to feel you move inside me or feel any baby move inside of me. I had to be strong and not cry because I couldn't shake my back with a shot going into my spine but it was a very difficult moment.
I felt a ton of tugging and pulling when you were being born. At one point, Dr. Bonebrake said he was going to do a push up on my chest and I think he really did. Then, I heard you crying and it was the best noise ever! You were crying so good that I thought for sure that there was no way you would have lung problems. I got to see you get all cleaned up and worked on. You had so much hair that I couldn't believe it. Your cheeks were so huge. You were so loud. And, I got to watch it all. Emotional breakdown #2 :) The big question of the morning was how big was Joey? Well, buddy, you were 11 lbs 3 oz. Everyone was shocked that you were so big. We were shocked and the medical staff was shocked.
Unfortunately, you swallowed quite a bit of fluid as you were being born so you did have to go to the NICU to get your lungs cleared out. Also, your sugars were VERY low so we had to get those stabilized. Daddy went with you to be by your side while I was getting all finished up. There came emotional breakdown #3. My baby was going to the NICU. I didn't think you would have to go to the NICU at all babe! Since Elijah didn't and since you were born on the same day, I figured you would be fine just like him. Dr. Bonebrake peeked over the curtain and asked what was wrong and I was a blubbering idiot about my boy going to the NICU. He told me that he would have been shocked if you hadn't gone and it was all going to be OK.
I hung out in recovery and was told that I was not going to be able to see you for 24 hours as I had to be on special medicine for my pre-eclampsia. I could not hold you. I could not kiss you. I could not feed you. I could not even see my baby for 24 hours. I didn't expect that and so we moved on to emotional breakdown #4. As I had all this time by myself, I could help but blame myself for everything that was going on. Of course, it is my body, my diabetes, my food intake and everything I did that made you so big. It was my discomfort and my pre-eclampsia that made you come early. All roads pointed to me causing your medical issues. I can't change that now but I will live with it for a long, long time. Feel free to quote this to your therapist :)
Daddy ended up splitting his time between my room and the NICU with you. As time went on, your lungs were getting cleared up and you went from needing oxygen to just needing air then breathing on your own. Grampa Keith, Heather, Gramma Debbie & Aunt Laura came up to visit you. Everyone was just in shock about how big you were and how much hair you had. Daddy would bring me updates and photos of you. He brought me videos of you making noises. He tried to keep me in the loop and tried spending as much time with each of us as possible. At the end of the night, he was able to hold you and I know that was so special to him.
My night nurse told me that if my health was good, she would find a way to get me down to the NICU to see you or get you up to see me for a few minutes. I pushed myself so hard to stand, walk and do everything I could to be healthy to see you. As time clicked on, I would get excited each time the door opened in anticipation of being able to see you. But, each time was a false alarm. At 6 am, the resident told me that they were planning on removing my medicine after rounds and I would be able to see you shortly after that. She said they would be in around 7 am to see me. As more time passed, I was getting more upset. My boy was in a bed all by himself. He wasn't able to see his mommy. He wasn't being held by his parents. He wasn't in an environment he was used to and couldn't even hear familiar voices because we were separated. I think around 7:45, the final breakdown happened. I have to keep it real with you and it was the hysteric/ugly cry. All I could keep saying was that I wanted to see my son. As luck would have it, the team doing rounds walked in during the emotional upheaval and I think I got expedited to finally see you.
I got wheeled down to the NICU and was so excited to finally meet you. You were all wrapped up and had a ton of cords. You were in an incubator. But, I got to touch your hand and talk to you and eventually got to hold you for a few minutes. I was still weak so I couldn't hold you for long because you were so heavy. But, I got enough of a Joey fix to push through until my next visit.
Now, 60 hours later, I can come and go as I please to see you. I have held you, fed you, tried to get you to latch on, sang to you and smooched you so much. You are a cuddle bug. I can lay you on my chest and you will get so quiet. You lift up your head to see me and I tell you that your noggin is too big to be trying that already :) You are alert when you are awake - your eyes darting all over. You are so precious when you sleep. You remind me so much of Elijah that I can't believe it - your faces, your hand movements, everything. Daddy agrees but a lot of your visitors think we are crazy :)
As of now, you are not getting any oxygen - your lungs are fine. You are holding your own on your sugars. Our final hurdle to you coming home is getting you fed. We had a tube inserted so you would still try to latch on and it has made you a bit lazy. You are used to food just appearing in your tummy so you don't need to suck on a bottle. Plus, you are a big, diabetic baby and apparently, those breeds of babies don't like to eat. You have enough in reserves that it isn't a huge priority to you. We need you to consistently eat a 2 oz bottle of food and keep your sugars stable before we can even think about getting you home.
I think I will be discharged on Monday & you will be discharged on Wednesday. I look forward to us being home together. Parenting you is so hard because everything I learned with Elijah is out the window when you are covered in wires. I feel like a first time parent - you cry & I don't know what the heck to do to make it right. I have to look helplessly at the nurses to take care of you. It is also very difficult because the nurses know you better than I do. They will say "Oh, he hates it when ..." That is something your mommy should know because she knows every inch of you and not something a nurse is telling her. So, we are going to slowly get to know each other.
You have had lots of visitors and now everyone can hold you & love you up. I have been giving out your M&Ms but I have to admit that I am slacking on getting photos with your visitors. It is hard because we are split between rooms and I don't catch everyone.
Daddy gave you a bath today and you liked parts of it but were fussy during other parts. It was so awesome to see daddy holding you, feeding you & giving you your first bath. He was so gentle with you but he was loving you up. You have yet to meet your brother but you will see him through the window tomorrow. Because of your NICU status, we can't have him in the room since he is not potty trained. He could bring in too many germs. But, I am so excited for you two to meet!
Well, buddy, I owe you lots of pictures but I have only a few minutes before I need to be in the NICU with you again. I am not even going to check for typos. I am just going to try to sleep for about 40 minutes and then rush in to see you.
I love you so much and I can't wait to get to know you!
On Wednesday, I thought I felt some gushes of fluid and I had a lot of contractions. I thought for sure that Thursday would be the day because of the amniotic fluid. You moved SO much buddy. I think you only slept for about 2 hours and I assume that is because you knew that you were going to come out the next day. It was bittersweet - I was uncomfortable but I knew that each movement was getting closer to being the last one. Daddy and I packed our hospital bag and said our prayers that you were healthy.
At my appointment on Thursday, I gained almost 3 pounds again and that was kind of concerning with the pre-eclampsia. We did an ultrasound and you were weighing 10.5 lbs. Daddy and I were shocked as we were expecting 9. We just looked at each other and didn't even know what to say. He checked my cervix and the fluid I felt was NOT amniotic fluid and my cervix was still perfect. He told me to get dressed and daddy said it looked like I was going to cry because I was so disappointed. After I got dressed, he started looking at my sugars (they were actually good for once) and my proteins. I guess between my massive headache and my protein dip, it was enough to merit you being here so he said "Do you want to have a baby today?" Of course, I jumped on the chance to meet you!
We were wheeled over to the L&D section of the hospital and we were told that you would not be able to be born for 6-8 hours as I had drank a protein shake for breakfast. I couldn't go into the OR with food in my tummy. Daddy and I just looked at each other like "What the heck are we going to do for 6-8 hours?" As we got settled in, they came back at 10:50 and said "OK, we are cleared to go at 11:15." We both got super nervous. Here we were prepared for you to be another 6-8 hours and then got told we would be going in 25 minutes! We didn't end up going until noon and I have to admit, I was super nervous. It is one thing to think about having you & it was another thing to actually have you. I was also super nervous about the spinal block. But, that was a piece of cake! I just laid really still and got a shot and it was over.
While we were getting ready to go, I had my first of several emotional breakdowns. As I was all positioned for my spinal block, you were still moving all over and it made me very, very emotional. This was the last time in my life I was going to feel you move inside me or feel any baby move inside of me. I had to be strong and not cry because I couldn't shake my back with a shot going into my spine but it was a very difficult moment.
I felt a ton of tugging and pulling when you were being born. At one point, Dr. Bonebrake said he was going to do a push up on my chest and I think he really did. Then, I heard you crying and it was the best noise ever! You were crying so good that I thought for sure that there was no way you would have lung problems. I got to see you get all cleaned up and worked on. You had so much hair that I couldn't believe it. Your cheeks were so huge. You were so loud. And, I got to watch it all. Emotional breakdown #2 :) The big question of the morning was how big was Joey? Well, buddy, you were 11 lbs 3 oz. Everyone was shocked that you were so big. We were shocked and the medical staff was shocked.
Unfortunately, you swallowed quite a bit of fluid as you were being born so you did have to go to the NICU to get your lungs cleared out. Also, your sugars were VERY low so we had to get those stabilized. Daddy went with you to be by your side while I was getting all finished up. There came emotional breakdown #3. My baby was going to the NICU. I didn't think you would have to go to the NICU at all babe! Since Elijah didn't and since you were born on the same day, I figured you would be fine just like him. Dr. Bonebrake peeked over the curtain and asked what was wrong and I was a blubbering idiot about my boy going to the NICU. He told me that he would have been shocked if you hadn't gone and it was all going to be OK.
I hung out in recovery and was told that I was not going to be able to see you for 24 hours as I had to be on special medicine for my pre-eclampsia. I could not hold you. I could not kiss you. I could not feed you. I could not even see my baby for 24 hours. I didn't expect that and so we moved on to emotional breakdown #4. As I had all this time by myself, I could help but blame myself for everything that was going on. Of course, it is my body, my diabetes, my food intake and everything I did that made you so big. It was my discomfort and my pre-eclampsia that made you come early. All roads pointed to me causing your medical issues. I can't change that now but I will live with it for a long, long time. Feel free to quote this to your therapist :)
Daddy ended up splitting his time between my room and the NICU with you. As time went on, your lungs were getting cleared up and you went from needing oxygen to just needing air then breathing on your own. Grampa Keith, Heather, Gramma Debbie & Aunt Laura came up to visit you. Everyone was just in shock about how big you were and how much hair you had. Daddy would bring me updates and photos of you. He brought me videos of you making noises. He tried to keep me in the loop and tried spending as much time with each of us as possible. At the end of the night, he was able to hold you and I know that was so special to him.
My night nurse told me that if my health was good, she would find a way to get me down to the NICU to see you or get you up to see me for a few minutes. I pushed myself so hard to stand, walk and do everything I could to be healthy to see you. As time clicked on, I would get excited each time the door opened in anticipation of being able to see you. But, each time was a false alarm. At 6 am, the resident told me that they were planning on removing my medicine after rounds and I would be able to see you shortly after that. She said they would be in around 7 am to see me. As more time passed, I was getting more upset. My boy was in a bed all by himself. He wasn't able to see his mommy. He wasn't being held by his parents. He wasn't in an environment he was used to and couldn't even hear familiar voices because we were separated. I think around 7:45, the final breakdown happened. I have to keep it real with you and it was the hysteric/ugly cry. All I could keep saying was that I wanted to see my son. As luck would have it, the team doing rounds walked in during the emotional upheaval and I think I got expedited to finally see you.
I got wheeled down to the NICU and was so excited to finally meet you. You were all wrapped up and had a ton of cords. You were in an incubator. But, I got to touch your hand and talk to you and eventually got to hold you for a few minutes. I was still weak so I couldn't hold you for long because you were so heavy. But, I got enough of a Joey fix to push through until my next visit.
Now, 60 hours later, I can come and go as I please to see you. I have held you, fed you, tried to get you to latch on, sang to you and smooched you so much. You are a cuddle bug. I can lay you on my chest and you will get so quiet. You lift up your head to see me and I tell you that your noggin is too big to be trying that already :) You are alert when you are awake - your eyes darting all over. You are so precious when you sleep. You remind me so much of Elijah that I can't believe it - your faces, your hand movements, everything. Daddy agrees but a lot of your visitors think we are crazy :)
As of now, you are not getting any oxygen - your lungs are fine. You are holding your own on your sugars. Our final hurdle to you coming home is getting you fed. We had a tube inserted so you would still try to latch on and it has made you a bit lazy. You are used to food just appearing in your tummy so you don't need to suck on a bottle. Plus, you are a big, diabetic baby and apparently, those breeds of babies don't like to eat. You have enough in reserves that it isn't a huge priority to you. We need you to consistently eat a 2 oz bottle of food and keep your sugars stable before we can even think about getting you home.
I think I will be discharged on Monday & you will be discharged on Wednesday. I look forward to us being home together. Parenting you is so hard because everything I learned with Elijah is out the window when you are covered in wires. I feel like a first time parent - you cry & I don't know what the heck to do to make it right. I have to look helplessly at the nurses to take care of you. It is also very difficult because the nurses know you better than I do. They will say "Oh, he hates it when ..." That is something your mommy should know because she knows every inch of you and not something a nurse is telling her. So, we are going to slowly get to know each other.
You have had lots of visitors and now everyone can hold you & love you up. I have been giving out your M&Ms but I have to admit that I am slacking on getting photos with your visitors. It is hard because we are split between rooms and I don't catch everyone.
Daddy gave you a bath today and you liked parts of it but were fussy during other parts. It was so awesome to see daddy holding you, feeding you & giving you your first bath. He was so gentle with you but he was loving you up. You have yet to meet your brother but you will see him through the window tomorrow. Because of your NICU status, we can't have him in the room since he is not potty trained. He could bring in too many germs. But, I am so excited for you two to meet!
Well, buddy, I owe you lots of pictures but I have only a few minutes before I need to be in the NICU with you again. I am not even going to check for typos. I am just going to try to sleep for about 40 minutes and then rush in to see you.
I love you so much and I can't wait to get to know you!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
36 weeks
Hi buddy!
Well, in a few hours, we will have made it to 36 weeks. WOOHOO. Not only does each day get us closer to your lungs being developed, it gets us closer to you being here! At our 35 week appointment, everything looked fine but I got lucky and was written out of work. Now, I can officially be on bedrest during the day without feeling guilty about it. Today is my 3rd workday that I am off and I can honestly say that we have stayed in bed each of those days. Your brother was out of town this weekend and daddy was working on the house so we stayed in bed the long weekend too.
I really thought for sure that you were going to come this weekend. I just felt weird all day Saturday. My blood sugars have dropped - which is a miracle in itself. And, I was in a lot of pain. It seriously felt like my tummy was just going to burst open and there you would be. I got that pain again last night and I had your daddy feel my tummy - he was shocked at how hard it was. Each day, I get a lot of pain but unless you break your water, we are staying put at home. We go back to the dr. tomorrow morning for our 36 week appointment.
Your daddy thinks these last few weeks are going to go quickly and for once, I agree with him. The days go by so fast now. We nap, we watch TV, we read. Then, daddy is home, dinner and back to sleep! I can't believe it is only 3 weeks until we get to meet you. I would not be too sad if you came early but I just don't want you in the NICU. I can't imagine only getting to see you for a minute before you are whisked away and not getting to hold you at all. So, like I tell you everyday - you can come today if you want but only if you are fully developed and healthy. Until then, we are stuck together :)
Well, in a few hours, we will have made it to 36 weeks. WOOHOO. Not only does each day get us closer to your lungs being developed, it gets us closer to you being here! At our 35 week appointment, everything looked fine but I got lucky and was written out of work. Now, I can officially be on bedrest during the day without feeling guilty about it. Today is my 3rd workday that I am off and I can honestly say that we have stayed in bed each of those days. Your brother was out of town this weekend and daddy was working on the house so we stayed in bed the long weekend too.
I really thought for sure that you were going to come this weekend. I just felt weird all day Saturday. My blood sugars have dropped - which is a miracle in itself. And, I was in a lot of pain. It seriously felt like my tummy was just going to burst open and there you would be. I got that pain again last night and I had your daddy feel my tummy - he was shocked at how hard it was. Each day, I get a lot of pain but unless you break your water, we are staying put at home. We go back to the dr. tomorrow morning for our 36 week appointment.
Your daddy thinks these last few weeks are going to go quickly and for once, I agree with him. The days go by so fast now. We nap, we watch TV, we read. Then, daddy is home, dinner and back to sleep! I can't believe it is only 3 weeks until we get to meet you. I would not be too sad if you came early but I just don't want you in the NICU. I can't imagine only getting to see you for a minute before you are whisked away and not getting to hold you at all. So, like I tell you everyday - you can come today if you want but only if you are fully developed and healthy. Until then, we are stuck together :)
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