Hi little bambino,
Most days, when I write to you, I try to keep it upbeat and fun for you. I want you to think that I am a hip, cool mom :) However, you will learn the truth when you get here - there are days where I will be the coolest mom ever, days I will be the funsucker and days I will be the crabbiest mom ever. So, in an effort to keep it real for you, I am going to tell you that I am feeling a bit overwhelmed lately by all sorts of things. I am not down or depressed and I am still so excited to meet you but it just seems like there is a lot going on and is making me feel a bit buried. Here are some of the things I am finding overwhelming....
1) Finances - we are getting hit with a lot of annual, medical and unexpected expenses right now. I am sure it is to prepare us for when you come. Not only will you suck the energy and sleep away from me, you will suck my money away too. :) (That sounds kind of negative, huh? You are worth it to us but, in keeping it real, you are going to suck the resources out of our house.)
2) My body - I expected it to grow big and be uncomfortable but I think I was unprepared for the hip pain, back pain and side pain. I only expect it to get worse as you get bigger. The big pregnancy belly is all OK with me because that just makes me think of you each time I see it.
3) Work - interestingly enough, work is not overwhelming me, it is UNDERWHELMING. It is kind of slow right now and if I were busier, my mind would be off of all of this other stuff.
4) Hollie - our little fat cat is just miserable. She has some sort of allergies and it is a very hard decision to make on how to proceed. Right now, she is responding to steroid shots but those can't last forever. The testing is very expensive and there is no guarantee that it will show us how to fix her. It is a hard decision to make between what is best for her, what is best for us financially and what is the best thing to do. No worries for you Eli - you will have insurance. We won't have to sell blood to get you medical care. Well, the government is trying to change it so I guess I better not make too many promises.
5) Feeling you - this is a good overwhelming. It is still so overwhelming to me when I feel you move. Most awesome thing ever.
6) My hair - yeah, I know, this isn't as important as world peace but I just can't get it to do what I want. Maybe it is hormones or the weather or what but I am straggly.
7) Labor - I am a tad overwhelmed when I think of how this whole labor thing is going to go down. How painful it will be, how long it will take, etc. I am a tad scared.
8) Being a parent - I can't wait to have you here and love you up. But, you will have to cut me some slack because we have never really thought this whole parenting thing out. It was a far away concept that we discuss - like winning the lottery. With our history, our focus has always been on the pregnancy journey and not the parenting journey because we have never made it that far. Now, you are more real than ever and in a few short hours, you will be at the 28 week mark where most babies survive. You know what that means? We are going to have to raise you, feed you, love you, discipline you, educate you and guide you down life's path. Where is the training dvd or audio book for that? I know we will make mistakes but it is overwhelming to think that we are responsible for someone other than ourselves and our animals. That is somewhat (read: incredibly) overwhelming to me.
9) Lack of control - this is a big daddy overwhelming issue to me. See, your mom has control issues. I wouldn't necessarily go as far as to say I am a control freak but maybe I am. I learned that this is the root of my problems emotionally - I try to control my emotions instead of just being with them. But, you know what Eli? I can't control anything right now. You are in complete control and that kills me. I can't control when you come, I can't (to many degrees) control if you are healthy, I can't control how I want labor to go and post-labor, I can't control anything about this pregnancy and it is so difficult to leave it up to you & God. If you would like my input, here is how it would go down. From now until 12/26, we would have no issues. You would continue to grow, my sugars would be good (completely in my control), my belly would look like a pregnant belly rather than a fat belly and all is well. On 12/27, we would go in to have my stitch out and within 2 hours of easy labor, you would be born perfectly healthy with no c-section. You would be given to me immediately and you would learn how to breastfeed within minutes. Your dad and I would cry as we hold you & love you up. We would be with you the whole time. After some time with just the 3 of us, we would have your family come visit you and love you up. You would sleep well, feed well and we would bring you home to perfect bliss on Wednesday or Thursday where the good feedings and sleeping would continue. In addition, we would master the cloth diapering thing immediately and all live happily ever after. I am realistic enough to know that probably only 1% of that will come true but didn't figure it would hurt to get a good word in with you early. If you would be so kind as to let me choose the 1%, I would choose it for you to be born perfectly healthy. Anything else, we can overcome!
