Hey Monsters!
I know I have a lot of catching up to do as we have had an INCREDIBLE August. But, for now, I just have a short post of something that came to me today. Maybe it won't make sense to you until you are an adult but it was clearly an "A-HA" moment for me.
In the past, I have had bouts of depression. I can usually recognize them by a pattern of thoughts that I have. In therapy, she pointed out that in each of those patterns, I want to escape. I want to run away. I don't want to face what the problem is and the easiest solution is to run. While I have never acted on any of those impulses (and let's be honest, I have no idea how one would go about disappearing and starting a new life with a new identity), I can always recognize those symptoms as the start of a downhill spiral.
Today, I was thinking about that pattern and how I can't imagine running away and never seeing what happens to you rugrats. The next thought in my head was that "the boys ground me." I don't mean that in the sense that you punish me and ground me from my laptop. I mean that in the sense that you stop my feet from wanting to run and you are a solid foundation that keeps me grounded. While I doubt you can see the relevance of that and I hope you never have the same depression/thought patterns, this was a huge revelation to me today.
So, monkeys, thank you for grounding me and keeping my head in the right place. Since Elijah was born, I have only had one small incident of feeling depressed and that was towards the end of Joey's pregnancy. I was in so my physical discomfort that I was depressed. I am not sure how people with chronic pain deal with it!! But, other than that, you guys keep the depression away and I am firmly grounded :)
Love you - your mom
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Photos and Scrapbook Pages
Hi boys,
Just a couple photos/pages for you from that last few weeks.
Daddy's Birthday - Elijah was all over the candles!
Typical Friday over gramma's with the cousins.
Joey's mini-birthday party in Denver with Auntie Val & Brandon
My one year letter to Joey
We rented a Mickey Mouse wii game. It was Elijah's first time playing wii.
US Swim Trials - was a rough night with you two. It was warm in there and you guys were super tired.
4th of July Lang family celebration (on the 2nd). Elijah rode a big boy bike for the first time! Yay Uncle Jeff for training him.
The boys got into the fireworks - snaps, parachutes, snakes, smoke bombs.
Best buddies - each time you see each other, you rush to each other to give big hugs.
Joey was not a big fan of the fireworks so you hung with Daddy in the house.
July 3 - College World Series Home Run Derby & fireworks show. Joey stayed with Mila and Brandi while we hung out with Debbie, Shane, Morgan, Gramma Debi D & Allen.
Elijah unexpectedly saw his first concert and Morgan taught you to "BOOOOO"
Fireworks were scary and amazing at the same time :)
Elijah hung out with Debbie and Morgan all night
Jake hung out with us on 4th of July and we went to Papio Bay. We swam for 4 hours! Mila and Joey joined us for part of the time.
You two silly boys. You are really starting to play together. Elijah is really excited to make Joey laugh and he still treats him like his baby. But, he is starting to realize that Joey is getting bigger & is going to take his toys...
Rivercity Star Boat Ride - I thought you guys would enjoy going out on the river in a big boat.
Sigh....My two big boys standing watching the river. Both with fresh haircuts. I am not sure where your black hair went....
We got to visit Kindra & Brandon
Morgan's swim birthday party (We also attended her birthday party where Elijah blew out all the candles!) Joey floated around and enjoyed sticking his head in the water
Elijah enjoyed jumping in - a lot.
More jumping!
Just a couple photos/pages for you from that last few weeks.
Daddy's Birthday - Elijah was all over the candles!
Typical Friday over gramma's with the cousins.
Joey's mini-birthday party in Denver with Auntie Val & Brandon
My one year letter to Joey
Joey's big birthday party
We rented a Mickey Mouse wii game. It was Elijah's first time playing wii.
US Swim Trials - was a rough night with you two. It was warm in there and you guys were super tired.
4th of July Lang family celebration (on the 2nd). Elijah rode a big boy bike for the first time! Yay Uncle Jeff for training him.
The boys got into the fireworks - snaps, parachutes, snakes, smoke bombs.
Best buddies - each time you see each other, you rush to each other to give big hugs.
Joey was not a big fan of the fireworks so you hung with Daddy in the house.
July 3 - College World Series Home Run Derby & fireworks show. Joey stayed with Mila and Brandi while we hung out with Debbie, Shane, Morgan, Gramma Debi D & Allen.
Elijah unexpectedly saw his first concert and Morgan taught you to "BOOOOO"
Fireworks were scary and amazing at the same time :)
Elijah hung out with Debbie and Morgan all night
Jake hung out with us on 4th of July and we went to Papio Bay. We swam for 4 hours! Mila and Joey joined us for part of the time.
You two silly boys. You are really starting to play together. Elijah is really excited to make Joey laugh and he still treats him like his baby. But, he is starting to realize that Joey is getting bigger & is going to take his toys...
Rivercity Star Boat Ride - I thought you guys would enjoy going out on the river in a big boat.
Joey enjoyed the hot dog...
Sigh....My two big boys standing watching the river. Both with fresh haircuts. I am not sure where your black hair went....
We got to visit Kindra & Brandon
Morgan's swim birthday party (We also attended her birthday party where Elijah blew out all the candles!) Joey floated around and enjoyed sticking his head in the water
Elijah enjoyed jumping in - a lot.
More jumping!
What else have we done?? If there was no photo, then it didn't happen, right? Mom has been kind of lazy with photos this month.
We went swimming at Sun Valley pool
We went to cocokeys with Andrew & Tyler
Elijah went to Minnesota to see Brian and Erica
You both spent the night with Auntie Val
We went to Fremont Splash Park with Debbie & Morgan
Elijah went fishing with Gramma at Hitchcock - he caught a turtle
Friday, July 20, 2012
For Joey...
One of the things that I don't have for you that I had for Elijah, is that day to day breakdown of what you are up to. That makes me sad. Your big moments get lost in the shuffle of day-to-day life. They don't get lost in recognizing them, but they get lost in documenting them. So, here are some highlights for you.
Your path to freedom started out like your brother's - you were army crawling and scooting long before you were actually crawling. Now, you are crawling and also doing something funky that we don't know the name of. You will be crawling but then your butt will go in the air and you are walking like a monkey - hands and feet down. It is odd :) You are pulling yourself up everywhere and you are walking around furniture. No official walking yet.
You have several words - mom, dad, tickle. I swear you say JoeJoe & Lijah sometimes. Mary said you say pickle & night night. I am sure there are more buried in there!
You are very animated these days - you still like to make noises with your mouth, cluck, play patty cake & itsy bitsy spider. You love to play and laugh - with us, with your brother, with anyone around. You love to hang upside down. You love music and love flapping your arms when music comes on. You blow lots of kisses and give big, slobbery, open mouth kisses.
You are free with your smiles and they are *big* smiles! You are free with your laughs. You are LOUD!! Your voice is getting louder and louder. I am guessing that is to compete with your mommy & brother.
You are a morning person. You wake up earlier than Elijah. You are happy in the morning. We have a routine - wake up, watch cartoons, get dressed, off to Mary's. You get so mad when your dad comes in the bedroom and doesn't take you with him. You think you are missing the train to Mary's.
You end up falling asleep between 8 & 8:30. You are pretty easy to put to bed. Most days, you will cry for a second then pass out. You don't cry for long periods of time anymore. We got worried as you had a spell where we had to put you in a sleep sack because you wouldn't lay down. But, luckily, we are back to normal. You don't like to be cuddled or rocked to sleep. You just like to go in your bed.
You love to eat. You double fist most of your feedings. You eat all adult food now. No baby food at home. You love milk just like your brother - we go through a LOT of milk.
You recognize people quicker now. You light up and laugh at me when I pick you up from Mary's. You know Gramma Debbie when she comes and gets you. You went over Gramma Ruth's this week and you even played nice with Aunt Laura.
You get bored in the pool. I guess it is like a bath tub without toys. Even in the bathtub, you get bored pretty easy and want out. You will stand up and holler at me when you are done.
I think that is about it for today. I can't wait to come back really, really soon and tell about you starting to walk. We will all begin a new chapter when that happens!
Love you lots, buddy!
Your path to freedom started out like your brother's - you were army crawling and scooting long before you were actually crawling. Now, you are crawling and also doing something funky that we don't know the name of. You will be crawling but then your butt will go in the air and you are walking like a monkey - hands and feet down. It is odd :) You are pulling yourself up everywhere and you are walking around furniture. No official walking yet.
You have several words - mom, dad, tickle. I swear you say JoeJoe & Lijah sometimes. Mary said you say pickle & night night. I am sure there are more buried in there!
You are very animated these days - you still like to make noises with your mouth, cluck, play patty cake & itsy bitsy spider. You love to play and laugh - with us, with your brother, with anyone around. You love to hang upside down. You love music and love flapping your arms when music comes on. You blow lots of kisses and give big, slobbery, open mouth kisses.
You are free with your smiles and they are *big* smiles! You are free with your laughs. You are LOUD!! Your voice is getting louder and louder. I am guessing that is to compete with your mommy & brother.
You are a morning person. You wake up earlier than Elijah. You are happy in the morning. We have a routine - wake up, watch cartoons, get dressed, off to Mary's. You get so mad when your dad comes in the bedroom and doesn't take you with him. You think you are missing the train to Mary's.
You end up falling asleep between 8 & 8:30. You are pretty easy to put to bed. Most days, you will cry for a second then pass out. You don't cry for long periods of time anymore. We got worried as you had a spell where we had to put you in a sleep sack because you wouldn't lay down. But, luckily, we are back to normal. You don't like to be cuddled or rocked to sleep. You just like to go in your bed.
You love to eat. You double fist most of your feedings. You eat all adult food now. No baby food at home. You love milk just like your brother - we go through a LOT of milk.
You recognize people quicker now. You light up and laugh at me when I pick you up from Mary's. You know Gramma Debbie when she comes and gets you. You went over Gramma Ruth's this week and you even played nice with Aunt Laura.
You get bored in the pool. I guess it is like a bath tub without toys. Even in the bathtub, you get bored pretty easy and want out. You will stand up and holler at me when you are done.
I think that is about it for today. I can't wait to come back really, really soon and tell about you starting to walk. We will all begin a new chapter when that happens!
Love you lots, buddy!
Saturday, July 14, 2012
I guess I am a mom....
Hi Boys!
I have lots to share with you since my last post but today is just a time out for me to ramble a bit. I have some things roaming around in my mind and I want to get them out. As of this minute, you are over Great Gramma's with Auntie Val because we were out of town last night. I am going to go pick you up soon because I miss you guys something fierce!
Thursday night, Elijah was in Minnesota and Joey woke up crying about 10. We brought you into bed with us where you had some milk and I cuddled with you. You fidgeted and slept restlessly as we watched TV. You were asleep but you would still grin now and then. Your daddy said that it was because you knew you had snaked your way into our bed in Elijah's place :)
As I was watching you sleep and rubbing your back/belly, I had a very large thought. And, it kind of struck me hard. I don't think I would categorize myself as being put on this planet to be a mom. But, I would definitely categorize myself as being a person that was put on this planet to have kids. There is a big difference. You guys are my universe now. You make me so happy and you make the sun, stars and moon brighter to me. But, I know that I could never be a stay at home mom who is a homemaker 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I like working and I like having a few hours a day where I am me. So, maybe I wasn't put on this planet to only be a mom but I know I was put on this planet to have you guys in my life. You can feel free to remind me of that when I am screaming at you in your teens because you are lippy.
Yesterday, I got very angry about something. I can't remember how long it has been since I have been that angry. I was physically shaking and my anger was just exploding. I was cussing. I was being disrespectful and I don't think I have ever spoken in that manner to a family member before.
As your dad and I went out of town, we were talking about it a lot. I was just so surprised at how that anger came up and overtook me. It is kind of out of character for me. But, your dad just looked at me and he said "It is because it had to do with your kids. It is ok if something makes you mad, you can bite your lip. But, this has to do with your kids." I think he was so right. I am a different person when my kids are involved. I think that is a good thing. I think it is good that you inspire me to be so protective!
I will leave you with a small snippet of a lyric from a song that was played last night. I thought of you both when it was being sang. I will always be looking out for you both, you both will always belong to someone (even when you are out on your own and making your own ways) and I will always love you!
I got a new interpretationAnd it's a better point of viewWhile you were looking for a landslideI was looking out for you
I was looking out for youSomeone's looking out for you
I know the darkness pulls on youBut it's just a point of viewWhen you're outside looking inYou belong to someone
And when you feel like giving inOr the coming of the endLike your heart could break in twoSomeone loves you
I have lots to share with you since my last post but today is just a time out for me to ramble a bit. I have some things roaming around in my mind and I want to get them out. As of this minute, you are over Great Gramma's with Auntie Val because we were out of town last night. I am going to go pick you up soon because I miss you guys something fierce!
Thursday night, Elijah was in Minnesota and Joey woke up crying about 10. We brought you into bed with us where you had some milk and I cuddled with you. You fidgeted and slept restlessly as we watched TV. You were asleep but you would still grin now and then. Your daddy said that it was because you knew you had snaked your way into our bed in Elijah's place :)
As I was watching you sleep and rubbing your back/belly, I had a very large thought. And, it kind of struck me hard. I don't think I would categorize myself as being put on this planet to be a mom. But, I would definitely categorize myself as being a person that was put on this planet to have kids. There is a big difference. You guys are my universe now. You make me so happy and you make the sun, stars and moon brighter to me. But, I know that I could never be a stay at home mom who is a homemaker 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I like working and I like having a few hours a day where I am me. So, maybe I wasn't put on this planet to only be a mom but I know I was put on this planet to have you guys in my life. You can feel free to remind me of that when I am screaming at you in your teens because you are lippy.
Yesterday, I got very angry about something. I can't remember how long it has been since I have been that angry. I was physically shaking and my anger was just exploding. I was cussing. I was being disrespectful and I don't think I have ever spoken in that manner to a family member before.
As your dad and I went out of town, we were talking about it a lot. I was just so surprised at how that anger came up and overtook me. It is kind of out of character for me. But, your dad just looked at me and he said "It is because it had to do with your kids. It is ok if something makes you mad, you can bite your lip. But, this has to do with your kids." I think he was so right. I am a different person when my kids are involved. I think that is a good thing. I think it is good that you inspire me to be so protective!
I will leave you with a small snippet of a lyric from a song that was played last night. I thought of you both when it was being sang. I will always be looking out for you both, you both will always belong to someone (even when you are out on your own and making your own ways) and I will always love you!
I got a new interpretationAnd it's a better point of viewWhile you were looking for a landslideI was looking out for you
I was looking out for youSomeone's looking out for you
I know the darkness pulls on youBut it's just a point of viewWhen you're outside looking inYou belong to someone
And when you feel like giving inOr the coming of the endLike your heart could break in twoSomeone loves you
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Busy Month!
Hi boys!
When it rains, it pours. We have been swamped this month. We had a vacation, a 1st birthday, 2 weddings and luckily, no funerals! While I have a lot to catch you up on, there are three things I came to write about tonight.
I am getting rid of the bottles. Joey has to be off the sauce at 1. We have been spoiling him a bit and giving him one here and there. You miss those bottles and when you see one, you want it. So, we need to kick them to the curb. We are also finishing up the remaining baby food that we have in the house. After this batch, there will be no more bought.
This purging is really taking a toll on me. Not only did my baby turn 1, I have a immediate follow up with the baby items leaving the house. It is weird because I am very happy to have 2 babies and I have no desire to have more - financially, physically, mentally. But, knowing that I made such a drastic decision to stop any more babies and also purging the baby items is really making me pause. I made the right decision and I don't regret it, but this is truly closing the book on a chapter in my life that was rough, tough and abusive but also the best ever! Seeing each of the events (turning 1, no more bottles, no more food) really drove home the finality of that stage in my life.
Something happened last night and I honestly don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing so I figured that I would write about it to figure out how I felt about it. Elijah has been choking and poking in the neck. It is very painful to me - I am not sure if it is my thyroid or if it is just that painful to everyone. Last night, you poked me and I poked you back. It hurt you and you cried. I did feel bad and we snuggled a bit. But, after you calmed down, you got upset one more time and you screamed at me "You don't do that to my neck." You even pointed at me. It wasn't a squealing scream - it was anger, crying and pain.
I am going to be blunt with you, Elijah. It did not bother me that you were in pain because I felt like you had to know how that hurt others. It did not bother me that you cried a bit because I want to cry too. What really is sitting heavy on my shoulders is the fact that you calmed down then screamed at me.
I have two ways to look at this. #1 you are an undisciplined heathen who has been trained that it is ok to be so disrespectful to your parents and that you can talk back to us whenever you feel like it. There is a grain of truth to that but I feel like we do address it and it will come with a little bit of time/maturity. Most times, it is more funny than something to punish you over and I have not been told that you do it to others.
The other way that is weighing on me is a little bit more deep and more of a reflection on me than you. See, I never would have talked back like that. I may have at 2.5 but I probably only did once. I knew that I had to listen or... else. So, I listened out of fear. Yeah, I probably did talk like that to your gramma Debbie because she was probably a softie. But, I never would have talked back like that to your Grampa Keith or your Great Grampa Lang.
In a warped way, I was glad you talked back to me. It made me happy that you don't fear me. Now, don't get me wrong, I want you to listen to me. I want you to respect me. But, I never want you to fear me. With these 2.5 years under our belt, it is clear who the meanie is in our house. Your dad thought that it would be him. I thought it would be me. When you were a baby, I thought it would be him. But, as you have gotten older, I am more strict with you. And, that weighs on me. I know I have to be a good parent and I can't be your buddy until you are an adult. But, I don't want you to look back and think that I was the meanie - the one you feared.
So, one little yelling/rebelling incident taught me that things are working out ok. It made me noodle it over a bit but I am pleased with where we are. I know it will get worse, but, as of this moment, I am at peace with it.
One final thing I have been noticing lately. I think I am getting better at letting things go and really truly focusing on my "family" - meaning you two and your dad. I am pretty high strung at times and I am always advised to step back and look at the grand scheme of things. If they don't impact my family, they shouldn't get me worked up. I think I am slowly starting to get there. That is big progress for me but it is only because you guys just mean the world to me. Most other things in life pale to you guys and aren't worth the emotional turmoil.
Short recap of what we have done this month -
Drove to Denver
Ole's restaurant
Saw Santa
First Roller Coaster Ride
Drove Pike's Peak
Denver's Children's Museum
Whitefence Farm
Alpine Slide
Mini-bday party for Joey with Valerie and Brandon
Big bday party for Joey - all our family was there
Grampa Keith & Leisa's wedding party
Blankman wedding
Father's Day
Farmer's Markets
Madagascar 3
Cousin Fun - we too po' to have a car for each kid :)
New Sunday tradition of Breakfast at Ingredient
Uncle Tyler's Graduation
Water fun with Gramma Debbie
Zoo with Gramma Debi D
Made a video for Great Gramma's birthday (that is "cracker Gramma" to Elijah)
Upcoming events
Olympic Swim Trials
CWS Homerun Derby & Fireworks show
4th of July Holiday
Trip to Minnesota with Auntie Val to see Brian & Erica (Elijah)
Overnight with Auntie Val (Elijah & Joey)
Morgan's birthday party
I leave you with one of my favorite photos of Joey right around his birthday. Happy Birthday Handsome!!
When it rains, it pours. We have been swamped this month. We had a vacation, a 1st birthday, 2 weddings and luckily, no funerals! While I have a lot to catch you up on, there are three things I came to write about tonight.
I am getting rid of the bottles. Joey has to be off the sauce at 1. We have been spoiling him a bit and giving him one here and there. You miss those bottles and when you see one, you want it. So, we need to kick them to the curb. We are also finishing up the remaining baby food that we have in the house. After this batch, there will be no more bought.
This purging is really taking a toll on me. Not only did my baby turn 1, I have a immediate follow up with the baby items leaving the house. It is weird because I am very happy to have 2 babies and I have no desire to have more - financially, physically, mentally. But, knowing that I made such a drastic decision to stop any more babies and also purging the baby items is really making me pause. I made the right decision and I don't regret it, but this is truly closing the book on a chapter in my life that was rough, tough and abusive but also the best ever! Seeing each of the events (turning 1, no more bottles, no more food) really drove home the finality of that stage in my life.
Something happened last night and I honestly don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing so I figured that I would write about it to figure out how I felt about it. Elijah has been choking and poking in the neck. It is very painful to me - I am not sure if it is my thyroid or if it is just that painful to everyone. Last night, you poked me and I poked you back. It hurt you and you cried. I did feel bad and we snuggled a bit. But, after you calmed down, you got upset one more time and you screamed at me "You don't do that to my neck." You even pointed at me. It wasn't a squealing scream - it was anger, crying and pain.
I am going to be blunt with you, Elijah. It did not bother me that you were in pain because I felt like you had to know how that hurt others. It did not bother me that you cried a bit because I want to cry too. What really is sitting heavy on my shoulders is the fact that you calmed down then screamed at me.
I have two ways to look at this. #1 you are an undisciplined heathen who has been trained that it is ok to be so disrespectful to your parents and that you can talk back to us whenever you feel like it. There is a grain of truth to that but I feel like we do address it and it will come with a little bit of time/maturity. Most times, it is more funny than something to punish you over and I have not been told that you do it to others.
The other way that is weighing on me is a little bit more deep and more of a reflection on me than you. See, I never would have talked back like that. I may have at 2.5 but I probably only did once. I knew that I had to listen or... else. So, I listened out of fear. Yeah, I probably did talk like that to your gramma Debbie because she was probably a softie. But, I never would have talked back like that to your Grampa Keith or your Great Grampa Lang.
In a warped way, I was glad you talked back to me. It made me happy that you don't fear me. Now, don't get me wrong, I want you to listen to me. I want you to respect me. But, I never want you to fear me. With these 2.5 years under our belt, it is clear who the meanie is in our house. Your dad thought that it would be him. I thought it would be me. When you were a baby, I thought it would be him. But, as you have gotten older, I am more strict with you. And, that weighs on me. I know I have to be a good parent and I can't be your buddy until you are an adult. But, I don't want you to look back and think that I was the meanie - the one you feared.
So, one little yelling/rebelling incident taught me that things are working out ok. It made me noodle it over a bit but I am pleased with where we are. I know it will get worse, but, as of this moment, I am at peace with it.
One final thing I have been noticing lately. I think I am getting better at letting things go and really truly focusing on my "family" - meaning you two and your dad. I am pretty high strung at times and I am always advised to step back and look at the grand scheme of things. If they don't impact my family, they shouldn't get me worked up. I think I am slowly starting to get there. That is big progress for me but it is only because you guys just mean the world to me. Most other things in life pale to you guys and aren't worth the emotional turmoil.
Short recap of what we have done this month -
Drove to Denver
First Roller Coaster Ride
First Train ride
Alpine Slide
Blankman wedding
Father's Day
Madagascar 3
Cousin Fun - we too po' to have a car for each kid :)
New Sunday tradition of Breakfast at Ingredient
Uncle Tyler's Graduation
Water fun with Gramma Debbie
Zoo with Gramma Debi D
Made a video for Great Gramma's birthday (that is "cracker Gramma" to Elijah)
Upcoming events
Olympic Swim Trials
CWS Homerun Derby & Fireworks show
4th of July Holiday
Trip to Minnesota with Auntie Val to see Brian & Erica (Elijah)
Overnight with Auntie Val (Elijah & Joey)
Morgan's birthday party
I leave you with one of my favorite photos of Joey right around his birthday. Happy Birthday Handsome!!
Friday, June 1, 2012
One more video
This one was from awhile back. Just was too large to get off my camera. I love seeing you talk a bit and do your rage out. :)
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