Hi boys!
I have two deep topics to share with you. I will probably have to separate them because they are really different in subject matter.
Ever since you have been created, you have heard about our past. You have heard about our losses. You have heard about how those losses made you all the sweeter. I don't know about you guys but I am kind of tired of talking about it.
For a long time, our losses defined me. I considered myself a person that lost all my babies. Other people may have said "Oh, that poor thing. She can't carry a baby." I let those experiences define my identity. Even now, I will still find myself occasionally thinking that I deserve you guys more than other people because of what we went through.
Now, don't get me wrong, those experiences shaped me as a person. They made me grow as a person. They made me the mom I am today. But, I am kind of sick of being defined by them.
We went to a movie last week. The first few minutes of the moving were all about a couple who went through fertility treatments and then they gave up. I felt their pain. For a minute, I was kind of crippled by it - I was seeing myself up on that screen. I felt their emotions.
But, that went away quickly. I realized that I am not defined by that anymore. I am now just a mom of 2 monsters. I am not that girl who couldn't have babies. With each day, those memories and that pain fades away. Each day distances me from that experience.
While all of those things are a positive - I am living more in moment and not dwelling on the past - there are a couple of negatives. With that relief from the pain, there is a twinge of guilt. It is like I am saying those babies didn't happen. When I pray for you guys, I feel bad that I don't acknowledge those babies. When I am a normal mom and at my wits end with your antics, I feel bad that I even feel that way because I wanted you guys so badly.
I am not sure where that all leaves me. I am not sure why I felt the need to share with you. But, maybe I wanted to because I wanted to close that chapter on your blog. Maybe I needed to share so that you know I am done constantly referring those times.
One carry over from those experience that I hope never lose - those occasional moments when I glance at you guys and the feeling of awe wash over me that you guys are really here.
